My dirty little secret....

I have an unholy attachment. It's a bit of an obsession I guess. I have an intimate relationship that currently requires a battery AND an electrical charger.... NO! Get your mind out of the gutter! It's not what your THINKING, jeesh people do you really think I would blog about THOSE casualties of war? :) I was talking about my cell phone and my laptop. They have become an extra appendage. It's almost like I believe that if I never let them leave my side, then no matter what happens, I will always have this off -the-wall connection with DH. Now, don't look at me like I am crazy, I know plenty of spouses with deployed husbands who have these relationships. Ever since DH deployed my phone and laptop have accompanied me to bed, my lap top left on, and logged into SKYPE with the sound loud enough to blow some ones ear drums, just waiting for that all too familiar "ding"...... As sad as this may sound, whenever I am at home and hear "ding" ,I jump, clearing furniture, knocking glasses over, skimming the head of my child, gracefully landing right next to the lap top with such skill an Olympic medalist would be jealous...OK, well maybe not THAT good, but you get the idea. I bring the phone in with me when I shower. When I go to another room. When I work out at the gym, it sits RIGHT there in plain sight on the front panel. If I can't find my phone, I almost have a panic attack, and swear that because of my luck if I don't find it right away DH WILL call. It is an understandable obsession. Maybe not the healthiest one, but I can think of MANY that are far worse than that! I have also contracted another addiction... the gym. I was called a gym whore, now what that is I am not exactly sure, but I think it has to do with the fact that the gym releases endorphins, and so does uuuuhhummm(insert derogatory expletive here) it's the only think I can think of... but I also know there are much worse ways to get my kicks(like drinking,drugs..etc..you get the idea), and besides I always feel GREAT after a romp with the elliptical...burns calories, and flushes you with endorphins, it's a win win situation... Although I do feel a little dirty paying for it, when I know I can get it for free on post!! :P On another note, we passed April 1st. That's a great thing! It just means a start of another month, and one closer to DH coming home. I can't wait for DH to come home. I am so ready to relax again, and have a normal life again. Well, as normal as you can get in the Army, come to think of it the deployments are normal... ??? Hmm, I'll have to ponder that one. Wishing that DH could see DD in person for Easter. It's never been a huge celebration at our house, but we do do the egg hunt, the basket, and usually the Easter dinner. Without DH here though, I don't think we are doing anything special or dinner. I'll probably just make chicken. Yes, I am boring, but only slightly. DD is excited for the Easter bunny, although since the only time I am not with her is when I am at the gym, and she has a very inquisitive mind (and knows Mr.Bunny is my friend) I had to come up with an elaborate story at how me and Mr. Bunny work out together at the gym, since I can talk to him there, and that he wears a bandanna is a bunny you don't want to mess with, and he rides a Harley. I'm gonna have to play along with that for the rest of my life. There's no way she is falling for any other story from now on.She told me her chocolate bunny she got from Pop Pop wasn't the real Easter bunny because he was fat and didn't have any muscles.Soon enough she will realize that the bunny is a red head with a big imagination and too much thinking time on her hands.This one will go down in the books, as the Mr.Bunny deployment disaster.I love my life :)

I've got your six

On a treadmill.... Life makes sense. OK, that really doesn't make much sense at all, but to me it does. It is a testament to everything I have accomplished, when for awhile, I had my moments of doubt that i would ever be able to accomplish anything like that again. In November, I had a major medical issue that tore my world apart. I have for the longest time been a rather healthy person. I try to eat right, I was exercising, and I was adjusting to life after D-Day. I had just celebrated Thanksgiving with a good amount of close friends, and I was doing pretty good. Then one day... POOF.... All of that came crashing down on me. I don't even really remember much of it at all. All I know is that it left me completely lost. I went through my human emotions, of fear, vulnerability, physical and mental agony. My entire left side was left only partially functional for quite some time, and as I referenced in an earlier blog post, my speech, well, I had a stutter, that only the people close enough to me could even understand what I was saying. DH was gone, and there was nothing he could do to help me. I know there were times that he has to have felt useless, and scared, even though, we both know it wasn't his fault that he wasn't here when it happened. I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason, so obviously there was a reason it happened when it did. For the longest time though, for months, I feared I would never get better. Hearing me speak, for DH was heart breaking. Hearing myself speak, trying to function normally, and then realizing I couldn't do it, was at the very least the equivalent of having a giant blinking arrow like the ones you see in movies constantly flash above my head, just screaming "broken". I felt broken. Inside and out. Going through that, for me, was probably one of the hardest things of my life. I have always been self reliant, self determined, and independent 100% when DH was gone. I could take care of it. Whatever came up, I could fix it. There's a saying in the aviation world "I've got your six." It basically means , I have your back . DH has always known, that I've had his six.I felt like I had let him down. Even though I knew there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. It was like everything I had ever known was stripped away from me. There were times that I felt like giving up. I had to remind myself every day, of WHO I am.I am a wife of a man who loves me more than anything.I am a mother who would give her own lie for her child. I was a fighter. Always had been,my mother would attest to that, and I knew it was in me some where to "fix" myself. For years my mom and I had had some what of a strained relationship, because of the circumstances surrounding my childhood. As soon as I woke up in the hospital, who do you think was by my side. In that moment, I never needed my mom more, and there she was, taking care of me best she knew how, having to treat me like I was a newborn all over again, and never for a minute did she make me feel inadequate in any way. My mom is an amazing woman.I am thankful in every way for what she did for me, and the fact that she was there by my side. I am truly blessed to have her for a mom, and I love her for every sacrifice she has ever made for me. and I understand now, being a mother myself, why she made the choices she did when I was growing up.( I hope your reading this mom :P)I had wonderful friends who, dropped everything to come and help me, and for that I will be eternally grateful for.They were there for me, when I couldn't even be there for myself. I will never forget the one thing I held onto the most when I was going through all of the physical and emotional pain that came with all of this. It was something DH said to me, and to this day I will never forget it. It may not mean anything to anyone else, but what he said to me, just reiterated to me the fact that no matter what life throws our way, we will always conquer it together, and that he will always have MY six. One night on the phone, when I was having a really rough time digesting all of the things that were happening, and I was scared, and feeling guilty that there was a possibility that I could be like that forever, and that DH and DD were going to have to live with this for their entire lives as well, DH had said something about how I needed to get better. Not for him, not for anyone else, but for me. The words that I responded with through tears, was that i couldn't stand for him to have to live with a broken wife for the rest of his life. What he said to me after that, will forever be the words that have never made me feel more loved in my life. He told me, that he loved me more than anything, and that I wasn't broken. I was just dented, and together dents were always fixable. I know it may not sound like much to anyone else, but to me, it meant everything. I don't think he will ever know just how much those words meant to me. Through deployments,through heartaches,through bumps along our road in life, through nights of fear and loneliness while he is away at war, those words will forever echo in my ears, and in my heart. I knew then, that I had to get better, and that I could, and would fight tooth and nail, in order to do so. DH is more than just my husband and the father of our child, he is my lover, and what's even more, he is my best friend. I love him more than words could ever express.So baby, through it all, remember, that no matter what we may go through in our life together, I will always have your six, god sure knows, you have always had mine.

Shedding some light .....

I've decided I'm having a "day". Not a bad day, not a great day, just a deployment "day".Sometimes i feel that I am some sort of deranged, Army wife. Every day I have during my life is a good day, because it IS my life, and I have a lot I am thankful for every moment of it. Days like today though I feel that there must be something abhorrently wrong with me. One, because of the fact that I am an Army wife, I feel some what guilty. I should be bleeding patriotism, and for the most part, I honestly due. I feel a bit disconnected though from many others around me.Let me explain. I for one am not a Republican. I swear that 90% of the military community are right winged conservatives, and here I am slinging slightly over to the left. Almost feeling wrong, that I am what my mother likes to call a "hippie". I believe in love and freedom and equal rights. Everything my husband stands for, everything my husband so desperately fights for, and yet even though he fights and we wait, in a country that is a democracy, the Army itself is NOT a democracy. I do not support the war. There I said it. Not because of the fact that my husband is deployed and that I have any reason to not support the war because that means he would not be gone, that is not why even in the slightest. I have been opposed to the war since before it began, and that was without a doubt BEFORE DH enlisted, and BEFORE DH deployed prior. It's a hard notion to understand that I actually feel guilty about that, but when you live in a community, that for the most part, completely despises your point of view, I have learned to just keep my mouth shut whenever politics are brought up. I am always met with disdain. Even if I am just stating facts, which I do, because I always do my homework before speaking about something, I am almost always countered with something like "Well, I support the troops!" ,"How can you NOT support something your husband fights for, I know I do!" Let me put it this way, for ONE my DH does NOT fight "for" the War on Terror. He fights for the people. For equality, liberty,union,love,and peace, because he is a soldier. The mission comes first, and as a military man, his Commander and Chief makes the decisions and he is not allowed an opinion, nor will an opinion get him anywhere any way.As a military wife, I also follow whichever president we have at the time.What the Commander in Chief commands, we abide by, because he is our leader, and we trust his judgement, as obviously many other Americans do, otherwise he wouldn't BE Commander in Chief to start with. For TWO my biggest one that I hear so often is that if you can't support the war, then you don't support the troops, and therefore you don't support your husband. That statement makes me a very angry Army wife. Close-minded people just annoy me. I damn sure DO support my DH, and I damn sure DO support my troops. EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE UNTIL I DIE I WILL DO WHAT I CAN TO SUPPORT THEM. I am an ARMY wife,through and through, and American blood runs in my veins. Where is it written law that, a military wife can't be opposed to a WAR? This is why I just keep my mouth shut around other MilSpouses. LOL. Some people, well, I should say, some civilian people, who don't support the war, also don't support the troops, and those people, well are quite frankly just idiots. Hello??? A soldier is not some sort of heartless, cave-man, going around strutting bravado, banging his chest, and going out to "kill" people, like some sort of talking,mindless, robot doll with no morals or ethics. Peel away the the desert combat uniform, and you're left with just a man. A man with feelings, a heart, a soul. You can't tell me ALL soldiers believe that this war was founded on and started with justifiable reasons. I guess all in all it really doesn't matter anymore. We have been in this thing for so long, that if the war ends, I don't think anyone but the military community or people directly there affected, will really notice very much anyway. The war is not even worthy of front page news anymore. CNN has a special section an iReport section on Iraq, because it has been pushed aimlessly to the wayside. Out of sight, out of mind. Seems to be a growing epidemic amongst the American people. Sorry for getting on my soap-box people. This is all stemming from a comment that was said to me, and just sat there and festered in my temporal lobe , steaming, waiting for the right time to release itself, weighing heavily on my mind, and my morale. I wish I could sleep. I am an avid insomniac, and things like this make it harder to sleep anyway. It's difficult enough to be plagued by an emotional deployment roller coaster. In my brief moments that my optimism fades (usually I've noticed when DH isn't able to call or write), I veer between feeling bored,restive,sad, and obviously supremely annoyed. I have conditioned myself to push my emotions on the back burner. It's the only way I can get through a deployment and still keep some of my sanity.I struggle to articulate my emotions with accuracy and tact.It hard to explain the dimensional warp of deployment to someone who has never experienced it.My emotions during deployment have always been divided into two persona's. On the outside I am always calm and collective. I've been told I am seemingly made of steel. Sorry to burst any bubbles, LOL, but I am just good at acting. On the inside I at any point in time am either lonely,achy,weepy...or as the yang to my yin, brittle, aggressive, and some what testy. It's like having PMS all the time, but at an epic level of sorts.I am always roaming the hallways of my brain with worry. An avid worrier.Constantly on edge, just waiting for something to tip the balance from worry into reality. It's a great performance really, and thoroughly convincing to others, but I am constantly aware of my other "self". The me on the inside, the little girl, genuinely plagued with fear.I can't help it. That is who I am, and I make no excuses for it. I am a strong, and extremely proud Army wife, and I don't mind identifying myself as one. It doesn't make up everything I am, but it plays a large part in who I have become. So, as I have always done in the past, and will always do in the future, I stand ready to take on any of the challenges I may face ,with open arms. Roger that sergeant, I will always,without fail, put the pieces back together, and Suck it up and Drive on.

A foundation of love

Today dd wrote DH a letter. It was quite a moving little letter if I do say so myself. Although there are definitely a few parts that make me giggle, all in all it was very heart felt. I can't believe how bid DD is getting. Sometimes she seems like such a smart little cookie, that I have to remind myself she is still little and still has feelings that a small child is suppose to have about the deployment. It's easy for me some days to forget that she doesn't actually fully understand.Other times I am reminding myself that she does understand a lot more than I give her credit for. I'm reminded that the last deployment in some ways seemed easier. I don't know if it is because dd was way too little to grasp the sense of time at all, and so it didn't effect her near as much on a day to day basis, or because with the opportunity to have communication with DH is MUCH MUCH easier this time around, and so hearing his voice on a day to day or every two day basis just keeps reminding me how very much I miss him. Even harder still when he all of a sudden has to go out somewhere to do his job, and we lose communication for a few weeks, after being used to talking to him on a daily basis. In those ways, I think this deployment has taken more adjustment. DD has nights where all she does is cry for him. She doesn't want me in the slightest, the only one that will do is him. It breaks my heart to hear her struggle like that, but I just hold her and remind her, that DH didn't want to leave, but he had to because that's part of his job, that's what makes him a super hero.I tell her we have to be strong for DH, and that we are an Army family, and that's what we do. We stick together, and we be strong as possible. It's OK to be sad and to cry because she misses him, but that we always have him in our hearts, even if he is far away. She understands that, so she usually comes down after our talks, which have been as frequent as weekly some months. R and R hit her hard, she keeps asking if she can have her birthday again tomorrow so DH can come home. LOL. Every day I wake up, I am reminded at how truly blessed I am to have my life. How much I love my family and even though there are sacrifices that we have had to make, we make them together. We stick together. I have an amazing family. DH is a mountain of a man, and we are so extremely proud of him for everything he has done for our family. Without him, I'd be lost. He is my rock, and the greatest man I have ever known. How truly lucky I am to be loved by such a man. What a great Army life I have been given, well, who wouldn't be happy with a God for a husband, and a Princess for a daughter? This without a doubt, is my fairytale.

This is just a dream, it's just a dream, it's just a dream......

I have nightmares. So, obviously I don't sleep well. The only time I sleep ok, is when DH is home. For the first six months of the deployment, I had such a hard time sleeping that, I slept on the couch. After DH came home for R and R, I promised him for his peace of mind that I would sleep in our bed again. Which, I have been doing. Except the last three nights. Two nights in a row I couldn't fall asleep. I was up until 3-4 AM for absolutely no reason. I go to the gym to try and help tire myself out in the afternoon, and I took my sleeping pills, which all they do is relax me, but don't put me to sleep. I think I need something stronger than OTC melatonin. Last night I was exhausted by 9 pm, due to the horrible sleep I had gotten the other nights, amongst the fact that I still haven't talked to DH. Not getting to talk to him, eats at me. The last deployment, we went weeks without speaking, only maybe a small email if he got a chance to write me. Then this time around, because of internet in their rooms and SKYPE, we have been able to talk everyday, or atleast every other day if he has been busy. Today makes day three of not hearing from him. There's a possability that I will get to talk to him this afternoon, I hope so. The nightmares are back due to some things that will be coming up soon. I wake up in tears and nearly hyperventilating........ the possibility is so real, that it carries on from my dream and affects me physically. When I wake up I'm in an immediate panic. Looking around, making sure everything is OK. I look out the window and look for random cars making sure there aren't any around. My heart races for a few minutes, just at the possibility that the Army is looking for me to tell me something horrible happened. I remind myself that it's just a dream. Nothing is wrong. Everything is OK. Everything will be OK.Right now I am even more worried about the possibility, but I try to shove it deep down, and push it to the back of my mind. Just waiting for him to call, hearing his voice quells those fears. In a few months, I'll be able to sleep again. Until then, I seriously think I need to get a better sleep medication. Not sleeping is not a possibility when you have a four year old. Everyone has their ways of coping. Who knows maybe subconsciously I think if I am awake, then no one can wake me up to hand me a flag in the middle of the night.I hope he gets a chance to call. If he doesn't ,well, at least I know how to suck it up, just wish I could sleep while doing it!

Traveling will be the death of me

I LOVE TO TRAVEL. I love everything about going somewhere new and exciting. I am part gypsy, so it does explain my adaptability to the Army life. The only thing I hate about traveling, is trying to figure out HOW to do it. HOW to get off of this stinkin rock and not sell a kidney in the process. Seeing as in the Army, you don't make a lot of money, prior to contrary beliefs of some people,and I not only have a DH to take care of, but a four year old, and I might as well have two extra children when it comes to my dogs, I have to coordinate everything precisely like I am planning an undercover sting operation. I have to not only try to plan my yearly trip back to the mainland with everyone Else's schedule in mind, but also in accordance with plane ticket prices, dog kennel availability, and of course juggle everything else in my life and make sure it is properly taken care of before leaving. I have contemplated Space-A travel, it just seems like a lot of work, with no guarantees. Not to mention, I want to try and see as much family as possible, which means trying to figure out how to jump around from place to place.It is definitely possible, I just wish I had my own personal assistant sometimes, to help remind me of everything I need to do in the day. "Miss, you need to call this number by ten AM, I have already fed the dogs, and pushed your appointments for this afternoon back, in order for you to have your lunch date. I called the exterminator, and left a message. So-and-So will be here by 2 pm in order to go through everything that needs to be done...here's your cup of coffee........." and so on and so forth.Ahhh to dream! ;P I am at least good at multi tasking myself. It's not impossible for me to do any of this, I've done it a thousand times before, I just dread the headache that I know is coming with it. The greatest feeling though will be when I get on that plane and everything falls into place, and I have accomplished my goal of having everything squared away. You know quite honestly my biggest fear in planning my trip is??? Is whether or not there is a 24-hour fitness in Emmett by my parents house,or if I will have to drive into Boise to go to the gym.Seriously, I am becoming a bit of a gym rat...LOL..I was sitting there working out today thinking to myself that they better have a gym close enough by if I do get a chance to go vacation for a bit, otherwise I might go crazy, not to mention my mom told me she was making pie today, which she offset the lard she used in it, by telling me she used half splenda and half sugar! LOL..Gotta love my mom!I haven't had a chance to tell DH about my plans to go back and visit our families yet. He has been busy and is getting ready to be even busier here soon, so hopefully he will get a chance to call before that happens. This has been a long year. A ton has happened, and I really could use the refresher before getting ready for DH to come home. Between DH deploying, and right after the ceiling in the kitchen caving in, being caught in the middle of a friends nasty divorce, helping plan my best friends wedding, being the maid of honor, and then right after the wedding having a major blood clot, that left me in the hospital, sick and unable to speak without a stutter for two months (which is almost gone now!YAY!)being diagnosed with factor V Leiden blood disorder, having DH home for R and R, and then dealing with him leaving all over again...on TOP of normal everyday life and raising a beautiful 4 year old, I think it would be good for a small break before preparing for redeployment. Wow! I just realized how much really HAS happened so far this year! We still have 5 more months to go! LOL Even with everything that has happened during this deployment so far, all I see is so many positive things!! My life is awesome! I have a wonderful husband a beautiful daughter, and great friends. I miss my husband with everything, but I couldn't imagine any other life,because this is the life I have made with him. This is our life, and except for a few snags here or there, I absolutely love it! What is life without a few snags though?? Gotta keep you on your toes somehow. I wake up every morning torn between a desire to improve the world, and a desire to enjoy the world.... it definitely makes it hard to plan my day! :P Man, do I have a great family or what?? Sorry, I must have woken up and drank a cup of optimism, and ate a rainbow for breakfast!! I can't help it though. My husband and daughter are my entire world, and as long as they are in it, well, I could not ask for more. I can't wait for DH to get home, the missing puzzle piece in my life right now will be back, and everything will be complete again. Counting down the days until I get to hold the love of my life in my arms again.YEEHAW MORE THAN HALF WAY DONE! :) Until then, Look out Boise and Phoenix, hopefully here I come!

News Flash

News Flash of the day: Deployments are hard... and not just for the wives. As a soldier you are taught to not have emotions. To hide everything, to suck it up, drive on. That goes against every aspect of human nature. We as humans are suppose to have emotions. We are emotionally driven in everything we do. I understand the Army's concept of pushing emotions to the back burner. They have to teach that. If they didn't... our soldiers would get so completely caught up in their current emotions that they could make costly and deadly mistakes... which starts a complete downward spiral of everything. When a soldier deploys, the family deploys as well, and it takes equal courage and an equal amount of sacrifice. Not everyone can do what a soldier does. Not everyone can do what a military wife does. It takes a lot to be a military family and to make it through multiple deployments. I'm reminded of a class I took that talked about unit cohesion. It doesn't just apply to the military units, but to the families as well. Some times it is easy to get caught up in your own emotions during a deployment, and because they are so far away, you don't realize that the soldier is going through the same thing as you. I am married to the strongest man I know. The most loving ,caring,hard-working man. I am so proud to call him my husband, my soldier. I realize that no matter what, he will never be able to get this time back with us. He has to miss out on everything that I get to be apart of with DD, and I have no idea what that feels like. I have no idea what it feels like to be the one who leaves. I've always been the one being left. I have no idea what it feels like to have to walk away from the most important things in your life. I don't think I would be able to do it. Which makes me have even more respect for my DH, and the fact that he does it, and somehow even though I know he is being ripped apart inside, he is still there, comforting me. Helping me be strong enough to carry on without him. There are days that I feel like breaking down and giving up, but because of him, because of all of this, because he tells me I have to be strong, because I know how much he loves us... I wipe it up, suck it up, and drive on. I know DH has to do the same. I want so badly to be able to take away any pain that DH and DD are being caused by the deployment, but I know that is an impossibility. Until he can come home, and we can all be complete again, I will just love my family unconditionally. Remind my DH how much we love him, how badly we miss him, how much he means to us, and our lives. How, because of him, and the amazing man he is, DD and I wouldn't be able to make it through all of this without him. How without doubt, without fail, he is and always will be, our hero.