Today at the gym, I had a semi emotional break down. It wasn't because of anything that happened, it was more along the lines of compassion. Compassion that I some times fear the world has forgotten about. A clear reminder that others believe the same thing as I do. I have a large tendency to see the good in people. I see the bad also, but in my mind, the good always triumphs in the world of bad. It's back to the fact that I am and always have been a glass half full kind of person, an optimist, a crazy, happy,almost- over -the -edge, optimist. A friend of mine just a few days ago, lost her brother in law in Iraq. Her family lives here, and I took care of her son when he was an infant. It really shook me to the core. It was so close to home. Well, I guess I have been having a lot of that "close-to-home" lately. As I wrote about previously , I am a constant avid worrier, and things like this have a tendency to heighten those senses. I feel an immense amount of grief for the family, seeing as I have *almost*(as in not a family member) been in their shoes. I have been thinking about this often lately. The possibility of death. It's one of those things that you like to push out of your mind, but as any seasoned military spouse knows, it is not entirely possible to do at any given moment. Even as optimistic as I am, it is still a fear that eats at me every day. Today at the gym, the news was telling a very short blurb of a story on a man named Michael Reagan. He left a lucrative career to start something that is called the Fallen Heroes Project. As I was watching this short story, I found my heart fill up with sadness, and gratitude. It is because of people like him, that I feel there is hope for this world. That genuine, good people, still exist.Michael draws wonderful, completely life-like free portraits of Fallen Soldiers from the wars(Iraq and Afghanistan is what the project is for, but also other wars). On his website it says some thing along the lines of "what if all you had left of a loved one were photos and memories?" That statement is one I don't often like to think about, much less talk about, but blogging isn't talking per say, so it is much easier for me to write my emotions down, as opposed to speaking them. As I was sweating my brains out feeling the blood pump through my veins, I thought about this. What if that was all I had?? I don't like to live my life surrounding "what ifs", but I was humoring myself for the moment. How would I handle life, knowing that the greatest thing that ever happened to me, had been reduced to memories and paper? I know it is a bit morbid to think about, but in all honesty things like that DO cross my mind. I know I am a self reliant, independent, strong woman, but how would I fair if my everything came crashing down and the love of my life, was taken from me? It's not a far reached outcome. It in all certainty is plausible that, it could happen. I know it's probably not healthy, and I know it's not even possible to analytically gauge my potential reaction to something like that, but in that moment,watching the families open that life-like portrait, seeing the reaction of the children that were left behind, was completely heart-breaking.You could see in their faces the gratitude they had for this man, who had given them this one last piece of their "world" back to them, and how much aching the entire families were going through seeing something that looked real enough to touch again, feel again, and they were desperately grabbing for that. There are times that I swear I can feel DH, and then I am reminded of the all too real reality, that it is not possible, not at this moment anyway. To go through life knowing that it will never be a possibility again, well I don't know how I would handle that.I like to think DH has taught me to be strong, for him, for our family, that I would be able to eventually put the pieces back together again.That because of what DH has always meant to me, that I would do it for him. I promised him that one time.I promised him I wouldn't completely fall apart.That I would try my best to be the woman he knows now. I like to think I would stay true to my promises. I hold hope every day, that he will come home to me. After all, this is OUR fairy tale, only together, whether physically, or in memory, can we make our story come true. www.fallenheroesproject.org

My dirty little secret....

I have an unholy attachment. It's a bit of an obsession I guess. I have an intimate relationship that currently requires a battery AND an electrical charger.... NO! Get your mind out of the gutter! It's not what your THINKING, jeesh people do you really think I would blog about THOSE casualties of war? :) I was talking about my cell phone and my laptop. They have become an extra appendage. It's almost like I believe that if I never let them leave my side, then no matter what happens, I will always have this off -the-wall connection with DH. Now, don't look at me like I am crazy, I know plenty of spouses with deployed husbands who have these relationships. Ever since DH deployed my phone and laptop have accompanied me to bed, my lap top left on, and logged into SKYPE with the sound loud enough to blow some ones ear drums, just waiting for that all too familiar "ding"...... As sad as this may sound, whenever I am at home and hear "ding" ,I jump, clearing furniture, knocking glasses over, skimming the head of my child, gracefully landing right next to the lap top with such skill an Olympic medalist would be jealous...OK, well maybe not THAT good, but you get the idea. I bring the phone in with me when I shower. When I go to another room. When I work out at the gym, it sits RIGHT there in plain sight on the front panel. If I can't find my phone, I almost have a panic attack, and swear that because of my luck if I don't find it right away DH WILL call. It is an understandable obsession. Maybe not the healthiest one, but I can think of MANY that are far worse than that! I have also contracted another addiction... the gym. I was called a gym whore, now what that is I am not exactly sure, but I think it has to do with the fact that the gym releases endorphins, and so does uuuuhhummm(insert derogatory expletive here) it's the only think I can think of... but I also know there are much worse ways to get my kicks(like drinking,drugs..etc..you get the idea), and besides I always feel GREAT after a romp with the elliptical...burns calories, and flushes you with endorphins, it's a win win situation... Although I do feel a little dirty paying for it, when I know I can get it for free on post!! :P On another note, we passed April 1st. That's a great thing! It just means a start of another month, and one closer to DH coming home. I can't wait for DH to come home. I am so ready to relax again, and have a normal life again. Well, as normal as you can get in the Army, come to think of it the deployments are normal... ??? Hmm, I'll have to ponder that one. Wishing that DH could see DD in person for Easter. It's never been a huge celebration at our house, but we do do the egg hunt, the basket, and usually the Easter dinner. Without DH here though, I don't think we are doing anything special or dinner. I'll probably just make chicken. Yes, I am boring, but only slightly. DD is excited for the Easter bunny, although since the only time I am not with her is when I am at the gym, and she has a very inquisitive mind (and knows Mr.Bunny is my friend) I had to come up with an elaborate story at how me and Mr. Bunny work out together at the gym, since I can talk to him there, and that he wears a bandanna is a bunny you don't want to mess with, and he rides a Harley. I'm gonna have to play along with that for the rest of my life. There's no way she is falling for any other story from now on.She told me her chocolate bunny she got from Pop Pop wasn't the real Easter bunny because he was fat and didn't have any muscles.Soon enough she will realize that the bunny is a red head with a big imagination and too much thinking time on her hands.This one will go down in the books, as the Mr.Bunny deployment disaster.I love my life :)