My dirty little secret....

I have an unholy attachment. It's a bit of an obsession I guess. I have an intimate relationship that currently requires a battery AND an electrical charger.... NO! Get your mind out of the gutter! It's not what your THINKING, jeesh people do you really think I would blog about THOSE casualties of war? :) I was talking about my cell phone and my laptop. They have become an extra appendage. It's almost like I believe that if I never let them leave my side, then no matter what happens, I will always have this off -the-wall connection with DH. Now, don't look at me like I am crazy, I know plenty of spouses with deployed husbands who have these relationships. Ever since DH deployed my phone and laptop have accompanied me to bed, my lap top left on, and logged into SKYPE with the sound loud enough to blow some ones ear drums, just waiting for that all too familiar "ding"...... As sad as this may sound, whenever I am at home and hear "ding" ,I jump, clearing furniture, knocking glasses over, skimming the head of my child, gracefully landing right next to the lap top with such skill an Olympic medalist would be jealous...OK, well maybe not THAT good, but you get the idea. I bring the phone in with me when I shower. When I go to another room. When I work out at the gym, it sits RIGHT there in plain sight on the front panel. If I can't find my phone, I almost have a panic attack, and swear that because of my luck if I don't find it right away DH WILL call. It is an understandable obsession. Maybe not the healthiest one, but I can think of MANY that are far worse than that! I have also contracted another addiction... the gym. I was called a gym whore, now what that is I am not exactly sure, but I think it has to do with the fact that the gym releases endorphins, and so does uuuuhhummm(insert derogatory expletive here) it's the only think I can think of... but I also know there are much worse ways to get my kicks(like drinking,drugs..etc..you get the idea), and besides I always feel GREAT after a romp with the elliptical...burns calories, and flushes you with endorphins, it's a win win situation... Although I do feel a little dirty paying for it, when I know I can get it for free on post!! :P On another note, we passed April 1st. That's a great thing! It just means a start of another month, and one closer to DH coming home. I can't wait for DH to come home. I am so ready to relax again, and have a normal life again. Well, as normal as you can get in the Army, come to think of it the deployments are normal... ??? Hmm, I'll have to ponder that one. Wishing that DH could see DD in person for Easter. It's never been a huge celebration at our house, but we do do the egg hunt, the basket, and usually the Easter dinner. Without DH here though, I don't think we are doing anything special or dinner. I'll probably just make chicken. Yes, I am boring, but only slightly. DD is excited for the Easter bunny, although since the only time I am not with her is when I am at the gym, and she has a very inquisitive mind (and knows Mr.Bunny is my friend) I had to come up with an elaborate story at how me and Mr. Bunny work out together at the gym, since I can talk to him there, and that he wears a bandanna is a bunny you don't want to mess with, and he rides a Harley. I'm gonna have to play along with that for the rest of my life. There's no way she is falling for any other story from now on.She told me her chocolate bunny she got from Pop Pop wasn't the real Easter bunny because he was fat and didn't have any muscles.Soon enough she will realize that the bunny is a red head with a big imagination and too much thinking time on her hands.This one will go down in the books, as the Mr.Bunny deployment disaster.I love my life :)

It's like beating my head against a wall.......

I'm a bit upset. I've always throughout my life used writing as a release for me, hence part of the reason I started this blog. I'm not one to express my feelings verbally really. I listen to how other people are feeling, and try to help as much a possible, but when it comes to me, I tend to stay quiet. There is and always has been one exception to that rule, and obviously that would be DH. Today started out to be a pretty good day, but went a bit sour. DH called, and I was so excited to talk to him, especially with some of the things that will be coming up soon, that won't allow him to call. OPSEC in mind, that is about all I can elaborate on that at this time. Any who, DD has had a horrible time adjusting to DH being gone. He by all means is her hero, like every father should be. She loves him more than anything, and she is DH's princess.DD keeps us both going on a day to day basis, when everything around us just seems to suck. She is our baby. The hardest thing right now, is because of all of this and the deployment, recently DD has decided to go back in her ways of not talking to DH on the phone. This is something that is horribly hard for DH, and it effects me as well. How do you force a four year old to talk?? I can't. I talk to her, she tells me how she is feeling but sticks to her plan of not talking, and it's killing me. I want so badly to just give DH that peace of mind, that little extra thing to help keep him going,but I can't. This is not our first deployment, but it is the first one that DD can really remember. It's not like she doesn't love him or is shy around him at all. In fact when he was home for R and R, she was constantly his shadow, just like always. She loves him,and misses him, and is hurt because she feels that he abandoned her. Now, she knows he didn't,and i reiterate that all the time, but to a four year old??? How in her head does she know for sure he's coming back, when even I can't promise her that? I tell her he is and that he will be home soon,hoping it's not a lie, but she has no sense of time. Soon to her means tomorrow, not another 5 months from now. I know DH understands this as well, but I can't imagine the hurt it causes him that she won't talk to him, knowing he had no choice but to leave us. It's hard for all of us, especially for a child who doesn't even fully understand "why". She will write him an email, and I waiver back and forth as to whether or not I will send it to him, some of the the things she says when she talks about her feelings, make me want to cry, I can't imagine what it does to DH. I figure that it is better for him to know how she is feeling than to have nothing at all, so I send them. Hopefully soon she will talk to him again. I feel like banging my head against a wall, because there is nothing I can do to change any of it. I can't make either one of them feel better at this point. My family is hurting, and I can't fix it. Only time can. It makes me feel like some what of a failure, seeing as I am suppose to be the glue that holds this whole thing together. What happens when I start running out of glue??? Well, like the woman that I am, I guess it is time to try and pull out the duct tape. Duct tape fixes everything.... Right?