Reality Check? NNNAAAHHH

I'm tired. Not sure exactly why, except of course for a very long plane ride and a dynamic change of routine and time zone. I am glad to be back temporarily in the land of gas in the $2 range again. Although as much as I was glad to see those mountains, and breathe the dry air again, I realized today when I went grocery shopping, how completely, totally, without a doubt, out of place I am. Walking into the WalMart I exclaimed to DD that she wasn't allowed to sit in the back of the cart, or the MP's(military police) might come arrest her... people around me were staring awkwardly my direction. It dawned on me then, that there wasn't a MP around for miles and miles and miles, nor did any of the people around me have any idea what I was talking about. How eagerly I strolled the aisles of the Super wally-world, commenting about prices, giddy with excitement over things I hadn't been able to eat in years, and while checking out, had to stop myself, when I reached back to my wallet to hand the bagger a tip. I don't think that is acceptable in normal society. I don't know any more if I am acceptable in normal society. Entering the airport terminal, carrying an ACU assault pack, full of snacks and toys, didn't seem that odd in a place where so many military members travel all the time.Landing was a different story. I bounced along toting my carry-on, not realizing for a few minutes that what the people were staring at around us...was, well....US. Me with DH's assault pack, DD wearing her dog tags and her MY Daddy MY Hero shirt she had to change in to on the plane, we looked like foreigners from a different land.... I was being stared at as if I was running naked through the airport exclaiming that my hair was on fire. We were the epitome of a slightly odd mixture of the classic US Army "Ready" Pin-up and a Norman Rockwell painting. I was the apple pie.
A military base is routinely called "the fish bowl." It has good meaning behind it. We live, work,play, laugh,and cry all in the same place. With all of the same people. We live so close together, I swear I can taste my neighbors cooking through the paper thin walls. There is some good in this. As odd as it seems to people on the outside of the fish bowl, there's comfort in common waters. Just like a school of fish, if a shark comes a knockin... well ,we band together and kick the shit out of it! It's just more evidence of the two completely different worlds.It can be tough at times to retain an individual identity, when everyone around you can seem so uniform (get it?uniform? LOL..I'm lame, I know) Especially when you are automatically judged as a military wife, for BEING a military wife. There are a number of pre-fabricated categories as a mil spouse that you are automatically chucked into within the first few months of arriving to a new duty station. Those are the categories other Army wives put you into. That doesn't even include the civilians.I'll talk about those categories again later on in a different blog. Let's just say, I have foiled a number of Army Wifey formalities in my term as a military spouse, ones that include almost getting into a fist fight with a drunk pilots wife, in front of the commander, who happened to be laughing, then winked at me and said "I think you could take her." I have had my blunders and faux paux's as a military wife, and I am sure they will continue as long as we are in.
Through all of this, even the fact that I feel like an alien from outer space , it's strangely calming to be here. Well, ok, inside the house at least. Outside of the house...well I am a bit lost. I keep looking for a twenty-four hour shopette.... they got those things here, but did you know they call them 7-11's???? I know! WIERD! That's what I said! Tomorrow I will awaken to a beautiful desert sunrise,wish for the Hawaiian sun,and dream about the snow on Mt.Rainer........ How very eclectic. Ah, well, until then, I will remain the odd ball out when I leave the house. Tomorrow I attempt to go to the gym...by myself. LOL..... I am a fish out of the fishbowl...lets see if I can stumble my way around land for a few days!

My apalogies!

I know I know. I am a slacker. No excuse for not writing in my blog for the last week or so. I will throw out a lame pity attempt by stating that my life for the last week or so has been a bit crazy. Between family members in the hospital, DH, DD,and just a lot of things going on, well I have to apologize for my lack of "conversation". I do realize that besides Facebook, my blog is the only way other people keep in touch with my family, seeing as Hawaii tends to be too far away to paddle-boat out to visit. Telephones are not my strong point either. Well, I should say returning calls are not a skill I have perfected yet. My cell phone is attached to me at all times, it's just that if the phone call is not from an overseas caller, well, you get the idea. I am getting antsy. It's getting closer to the "day" DH finally gets to come home again! I feel like I never slow down, which is a good thing, because time goes by faster, but at the same time I never feel like there are enough hours in the day to accomplish every thing I have to. I try not to put things off, but I do have to allow myself some "me" time. Even if that "me" time is spent freaking myself out by watching Criminal Minds late at night, and then being paranoid that some dude is going to some how make his way onto base, manage to get past my "guard" dogs, without the neighbors noticing, and that I will be forced to use my baseball bat and Turbo Kick box techniques on him. :P In my head, I actually think that plan will work, which is the sad part.LOL
My last few weekends have been jam packed, and am planning on jam packing the rest of my weekends before DH gets home as well. Not to mention, I seriously need to step up my game on Band Hero, other wise I am going to be embarrassed royally when the guys finally come home. I feel some what nervous about the re-deployment (that's green speak for "when they come home"). Not because of DH coming home at all, but because this deployment has been so different, that even the re-deployment process has changed dramatically. In my head I expected it to go one way, and it's not the way I expected it. Oh, I am more than THRILLED with the way all of it is going, just trying to re-focus and re-adjust to the changes. I should be well aware now, that nothing in the Army ever stays the same, except the notion of "hurry up and wait." I've also decided that in June I will be entering the 15K run/walk. That is 9.3 miles. Not too bad. I think I can handle it, or at least I am going to try to. Right now I do about 4.5-5.5 miles per day, so it is almost double what I normally do. I'm going to try and start slowly increasing my distance per day, push myself just a little bit harder, and hopefully by June I will have it down. I don't care if I even place at all. I just want to finish. I will post pictures, it will be an awesome experience, and I am very excited about it. OK, so normal people don't usually get excited about that kind of thing, but I am definitely NOT normal. Speaking of exercise, today I attempted to put on a pair of tight fitting capri jeans, which are now too big for me in the waist, but the oddest thing happened. I couldn't get them over my calves. I guess I have gained so much muscle since the last time I wore them (which was quite some time ago) that, when I attempted to sit down in them or even put my shoes on, I felt as though I was losing brain cells from lack of blood supply! I've gained 4 lbs since March, the last time I weighed myself. I can only hope it was all muscle and went straight to my calves! I have no idea where else it could have went!!! Still awaiting orders to know if we stay or if we go. I hate feeling like I am in limbo. It's hard for me to not want to start chucking things out of my house and touch up painting my walls, just so I am ahead of the game should we PCS. I just want every thing to be started by the time DH gets home if we do come down on orders to move. I promise my fans (all 2 of you,lol) that I will attempt to blog every day again or at least make it a 3 day max without writing. I will leave you with a picture though. This evening I walked through a great cultural area. It is at the Valley of the Temples, and this temple is the Byodo-In. It is a Buddhist temple, that has a ginormous Buddha that sits in the center. It is amazing. I highly recommend it if you enjoy different cultural things. I thought it was a great ending to the day. Hiking to the top of the temple grounds, surrounded by gravestones, and vaults full of deceased families, literally, was a very calming thought-provoking experience. I had fantastic company, and great conversation. Seeing things like that reminds me of how very special my life is. I love my life. I love my family. I could never ask for more. DH and DD truly are my everything.

An akward observation of sorts....

A little weepy and going down memory lane. Was reading a portion of an email DH sent me right before he deployed the first time. It's crazy to think of all that we have been through since this email made it's way to my computer. Not to mention everything we had gone through before he sent it. My DH is the greatest. He knows exactly what to do to bring tears to my eyes. Honestly, coming across this email did make little pools of sadness well up in the corners of my "stainless steel" level-headed outside persona. They ended up making their way down south in small streams that ended up pooling on a pillow. Well, enough of all that. :P On a happier note, I have decided I must be sending out some kind of vibe. Maybe it is a stay the hell away from me vibe, but none the less, I got mistaken for a soldier today. The guy said I "looked, and acted like one" I am not sure what the heck that is suppose to mean, but I think it has to do with my tom-boyish figure... lol.. within the first few moments of meeting me, I came waltzing in the door in my husbands cut off t-shirt, gym shorts, tennis shoes, a sports bra, and 2 hours of gym sweat still clinging to my clothing. I got introduced and a quick "wassup" exited my lips and a brisk hand shake before I was off to help my friends move their household goods that had just arrived.(AKA furniture,clothing,etc. it's what they call it when the Army ships your stuff) A bit after when everyone was relaxing and eating dinner, I got asked where I was stationed and what my MOS was. I thought he was talking about DH. He was talking about me. I was a bit taken back, and asked him if I looked military? He of course, said yes ,and that I acted like it as well. It was a very interesting encounter. Sitting on the back porch, it was pointed out to me that I sit like a guy too... I guess I really need to polish up on some of this womanly girlie crap before I have to go any where important. DH has never said anything to me really, I mean he has cracked a few jokes about how I don't wear shoes and made me promise to shave my legs at least once a week while he was deployed, LOL, but besides that, I think I have "girlied-up" quite a bit over the last few years. When DH met me, I was pretty rough and tumble, and wasn't afraid to do or try anything.I was in the high school ROTC program, sports,and anything else I could think of.I loved shooting in Pentathlon, and doing Color Guard. I didn't even own but one dress, and maybe one skirt. Come to think of it, that skirt is up in my closet still. Now, I own multiple dresses that I wear on a regular basis, and a few nice girlie outfits. I do prefer my jeans and t-shirt, but maybe a few times a month I like to play what I call "dress-up" since for me, it is dressing up to wear a sundress and do all of my make up. I do like looking "pretty" for DH though. I try, I really do to be girlie. It's just I fail miserably. I can't even walk in heels without rolling my ankle. I prefer my Harley Davidson boots, and maybe a long tie-dyed skirt and a form fitting baby T. I should have been born in a different era. I wonder if there are lessons on how to be girlie. I see a new Google search in the near future. I CAN dress up, it's just I can't break my mannerisms. I will wear a sundress and whip a chair backwards and sit on it. I look all petite in my little white sundress, and then will eat an entire steak dinner, when most woman I guess prefer the chicken? Or a salad? The waiters always stare at me. Oh well, I guess DH loves me just the way I am. Either that or he has just gotten used to it! LOL! Ever heard the term, you can dress her up but you can't take her out?? Whom ever coined that term must be a dude I went on a date with back in middle school. I prefer beer over any other type of alcoholic beverage, man-beer at that, not these foo-foo girlie drinks people pass off as beer. I rarely drink, but when I do, I prefer the taste of real-hops thank you.Poker, I LOVE beating the boys at some Hold'Em. Maybe I'm not so bad after-all.... at least DH will always have the joy of me sitting on the couch screaming at the TV , watching football and drinking a beer with him. I can't wait until he gets home and we can scream together. That's when you know your life is better than you could have ever imagined it being. When you scream "HOLDING" in unison, and you both jump up and down on the couch asking the ref if he is watching the same game you are.That's love. A union made in BBQ grillin,sports watchin,beer drinking heaven. I love my dysfunctional family.

A foundation of love

Today dd wrote DH a letter. It was quite a moving little letter if I do say so myself. Although there are definitely a few parts that make me giggle, all in all it was very heart felt. I can't believe how bid DD is getting. Sometimes she seems like such a smart little cookie, that I have to remind myself she is still little and still has feelings that a small child is suppose to have about the deployment. It's easy for me some days to forget that she doesn't actually fully understand.Other times I am reminding myself that she does understand a lot more than I give her credit for. I'm reminded that the last deployment in some ways seemed easier. I don't know if it is because dd was way too little to grasp the sense of time at all, and so it didn't effect her near as much on a day to day basis, or because with the opportunity to have communication with DH is MUCH MUCH easier this time around, and so hearing his voice on a day to day or every two day basis just keeps reminding me how very much I miss him. Even harder still when he all of a sudden has to go out somewhere to do his job, and we lose communication for a few weeks, after being used to talking to him on a daily basis. In those ways, I think this deployment has taken more adjustment. DD has nights where all she does is cry for him. She doesn't want me in the slightest, the only one that will do is him. It breaks my heart to hear her struggle like that, but I just hold her and remind her, that DH didn't want to leave, but he had to because that's part of his job, that's what makes him a super hero.I tell her we have to be strong for DH, and that we are an Army family, and that's what we do. We stick together, and we be strong as possible. It's OK to be sad and to cry because she misses him, but that we always have him in our hearts, even if he is far away. She understands that, so she usually comes down after our talks, which have been as frequent as weekly some months. R and R hit her hard, she keeps asking if she can have her birthday again tomorrow so DH can come home. LOL. Every day I wake up, I am reminded at how truly blessed I am to have my life. How much I love my family and even though there are sacrifices that we have had to make, we make them together. We stick together. I have an amazing family. DH is a mountain of a man, and we are so extremely proud of him for everything he has done for our family. Without him, I'd be lost. He is my rock, and the greatest man I have ever known. How truly lucky I am to be loved by such a man. What a great Army life I have been given, well, who wouldn't be happy with a God for a husband, and a Princess for a daughter? This without a doubt, is my fairytale.

It's like beating my head against a wall.......

I'm a bit upset. I've always throughout my life used writing as a release for me, hence part of the reason I started this blog. I'm not one to express my feelings verbally really. I listen to how other people are feeling, and try to help as much a possible, but when it comes to me, I tend to stay quiet. There is and always has been one exception to that rule, and obviously that would be DH. Today started out to be a pretty good day, but went a bit sour. DH called, and I was so excited to talk to him, especially with some of the things that will be coming up soon, that won't allow him to call. OPSEC in mind, that is about all I can elaborate on that at this time. Any who, DD has had a horrible time adjusting to DH being gone. He by all means is her hero, like every father should be. She loves him more than anything, and she is DH's princess.DD keeps us both going on a day to day basis, when everything around us just seems to suck. She is our baby. The hardest thing right now, is because of all of this and the deployment, recently DD has decided to go back in her ways of not talking to DH on the phone. This is something that is horribly hard for DH, and it effects me as well. How do you force a four year old to talk?? I can't. I talk to her, she tells me how she is feeling but sticks to her plan of not talking, and it's killing me. I want so badly to just give DH that peace of mind, that little extra thing to help keep him going,but I can't. This is not our first deployment, but it is the first one that DD can really remember. It's not like she doesn't love him or is shy around him at all. In fact when he was home for R and R, she was constantly his shadow, just like always. She loves him,and misses him, and is hurt because she feels that he abandoned her. Now, she knows he didn't,and i reiterate that all the time, but to a four year old??? How in her head does she know for sure he's coming back, when even I can't promise her that? I tell her he is and that he will be home soon,hoping it's not a lie, but she has no sense of time. Soon to her means tomorrow, not another 5 months from now. I know DH understands this as well, but I can't imagine the hurt it causes him that she won't talk to him, knowing he had no choice but to leave us. It's hard for all of us, especially for a child who doesn't even fully understand "why". She will write him an email, and I waiver back and forth as to whether or not I will send it to him, some of the the things she says when she talks about her feelings, make me want to cry, I can't imagine what it does to DH. I figure that it is better for him to know how she is feeling than to have nothing at all, so I send them. Hopefully soon she will talk to him again. I feel like banging my head against a wall, because there is nothing I can do to change any of it. I can't make either one of them feel better at this point. My family is hurting, and I can't fix it. Only time can. It makes me feel like some what of a failure, seeing as I am suppose to be the glue that holds this whole thing together. What happens when I start running out of glue??? Well, like the woman that I am, I guess it is time to try and pull out the duct tape. Duct tape fixes everything.... Right?

Ah,Bliss....well...Almost

Today was pretty much a great day. I spent some quality time with some great friends. We went to KoOlina and spent the day swimming and talking, DD had a blast at the lagoons. Short of the stack of MORE medical bills I got in the mail today, it was almost a perfect day. Almost, because there is still an essential key to my happiness missing, but such is the life of an Army wife. Moments and days like this make me miss him even more. I think of all the things that he would have loved about today. The sun, the waves, the laughter. I can't help myself but to talk about DH, he comes up in almost every conversation. How great it will be when he gets to come home again. Our friends, one of which is stationed with DH over in Iraq and is home on R and R right now, always know how to make me laugh, even if I am having a crummy day. DH is marking the days down on the calender, and I am marking the days til he gets home on Face book. I've decided I have become some what of a Face book whore. LOL..... I feel the need to check it everyday. It's the only way I feel like I can connect to my outside world, and my family that I am so far away from. It really is a different life. Things that seem so normal to me are completely absurd to "civilians." I recently realized that it's actually me and my life that is "abnormal", not theirs. I feel this disconnection to a lot of them, because no matter how hard they may try to understand my life, they won't ever be able to unless they live it. Sometimes i almost feel jealous that all they worry about on a day to day basis are trivial things to me. It's really just more or less a kick in the pants to realize that I am a minority in more ways than one. it's a normal fear for people to be afraid to lose their spouse, but it is never a forefront on their mind on a daily basis like it is mine. I am slightly jealous of that. It's normal for me to be away from DH for a few weeks at a time, where that would be a major thing for some of the "civilian" women I know. Not saying it is a bad thing at all that they feel that way,it's a completely normal reaction in the real world. I have just become so accustomed to it, that it feels weird if he is home for a long period of time, like I am waiting for some thing big to happen. I guess it's more or less a constant feeling of being on edge, like at any moment my world could come crashing down on me. I don't think of it like that constantly, you can't, you would drive yourself crazy, it's just a reminder of how truly different my life is than that of the majority of my family and friends. It is by no means a bad life at all. I love my life. I love my family. I have expressed many times my fear of him getting out of the Army. I don't know how I would adjust to having a "normal" life again. I have become so used to the Army life, that I don't know if i remember how to be a civilian. Being at home with friends and family, is some times like a culture shock. I know I can adjust really easily to different places and different things, it's just that fear that I may have forgotten. The canons that go off at 5 pm every day , is normal. Every night at eleven Taps is played, and I know it's time for bed, it's almost a lullaby to me. It's comforting to hear night ranges and the popping of weapons in the distance, because I know some unit is perfecting their skills. Going to sleep to the sounds of the helicopters over head doing night flights, reminds me that DH is out there,some where,waiting to come home to us, and bravely putting his life on the line e very day for our country. One of these days, even though I fear it now, we will be civilians again. Until then I stand strong and proud, waiting,learning,loving,teaching. Trying to be the best that I can be, and stand amongst the silent ranks, happy to be an Army wife.

Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock...YAAAWWNN

Today was one of those days. One of those rare occasion days, where I really had nothing pressing to do. Normally, I would take advantage of this, seize the day ..or something like that. I didn't do that though. In fact as bad as it sounds, I never left my pajamas today. A government official came by to interview me for one of my neighbors security clearances again. I invited her in, then to only realize that I was still in pajamas with disheveled hair, and my daughter wasn't wearing pants, because she didn't feel the need to put them back on after going to the bathroom.I didn't feel the need to make her, since I lacked any enthusiasm to even get myself dressed. Of course, I made her put her jeans back on before the woman saw just how lazy we were being today.Maybe it was the weather today, it has been pretty crummy the last two weeks.Who knows? All I know is I never made it to the gym, and refused to cook a homemade meal for dinner. This, in my house, is a rare occasion. Seeing as DH is deployed still, I think I am entitled to the rare "down" day. I know tomorrow brings a whole new set of things to do, places to be, and people to see.
I did however, get to talk to DH on the phone for an hour! I swear that is a record, and Skype is the best thing since sliced bread. We talked some about what we might do from here. From the deployment that is. Will we PCS like we are suppose to and try a new base on for size? Will we stay here in Hawaii for another couple of years(we have been here for 4 already!).... all of that no one is being privy to know about as of right now. We haven't really made a solid decision yet, but I'm not gonna be a spoiler, it will ruin all of my fun with keeping everyone in suspense. :) not to mention I hate making final decisions. i have no problem giving my input, it's just that I lack the ability to be decisive. Some days, I can't wait to get off of this rock and start a new adventure some where else, other days, I enjoy the consistency of being in a place I have grown some what accustomed to. Who knows what life will throw our way, all I know is that I'll be ready!
In a different light, unfortunately I do have to blog about something that just seems to be a nightmare to every milspouse I know. One of my friends informed me today that a few days ago, her husband, a Marine, was killed in action, leaving her and her baby alone in the world. At first I was in shock. This was his first deployment, they had only been married 2 years, their baby was still that...a baby. That pit in my stomach I try so hard to conceal and fill up on a daily basis, reared it's ugly head, and felt almost like I was going to vomit. I sat there just staring blankly for a minute, trying to grasp the concept. It's not the first time this has happened. We lost pilots at the beginning of our deployment, and yet earlier in a training accident right before the deployment. It hit everyone in our small troop pretty hard. My DH included. Not to mention the tragic events that happened 3 weeks before the SQDN was scheduled to return home the last deployment, that one in particular, I refuse to allow myself to relive. I guess it was just another reminder to me at how extremely fragile everything is over there still, and how no one seems to care anymore. I mean of course people with someone who is stationed over there cares, but the general public would rather figure out how Micheal Jackson died, or why Sandra Bullock moved out. In the scheme of things, that seems to trivial to me, yet, more of the general population is overwhelmed with that, almost as if Iraq and Afghanistan have become that weird uncle everyone avoids at the family reunion. If there is one thing I could give my friend right now, it would be peace of mind. Peace of mind to know her husband made a difference in peoples lives.that he was a brave and proud man,and that people care, not just people he knew or worked with, but that America still cares.... I'm just waiting for the day I can give that to her,a day which may never come.