Ah,Bliss....well...Almost

Today was pretty much a great day. I spent some quality time with some great friends. We went to KoOlina and spent the day swimming and talking, DD had a blast at the lagoons. Short of the stack of MORE medical bills I got in the mail today, it was almost a perfect day. Almost, because there is still an essential key to my happiness missing, but such is the life of an Army wife. Moments and days like this make me miss him even more. I think of all the things that he would have loved about today. The sun, the waves, the laughter. I can't help myself but to talk about DH, he comes up in almost every conversation. How great it will be when he gets to come home again. Our friends, one of which is stationed with DH over in Iraq and is home on R and R right now, always know how to make me laugh, even if I am having a crummy day. DH is marking the days down on the calender, and I am marking the days til he gets home on Face book. I've decided I have become some what of a Face book whore. LOL..... I feel the need to check it everyday. It's the only way I feel like I can connect to my outside world, and my family that I am so far away from. It really is a different life. Things that seem so normal to me are completely absurd to "civilians." I recently realized that it's actually me and my life that is "abnormal", not theirs. I feel this disconnection to a lot of them, because no matter how hard they may try to understand my life, they won't ever be able to unless they live it. Sometimes i almost feel jealous that all they worry about on a day to day basis are trivial things to me. It's really just more or less a kick in the pants to realize that I am a minority in more ways than one. it's a normal fear for people to be afraid to lose their spouse, but it is never a forefront on their mind on a daily basis like it is mine. I am slightly jealous of that. It's normal for me to be away from DH for a few weeks at a time, where that would be a major thing for some of the "civilian" women I know. Not saying it is a bad thing at all that they feel that way,it's a completely normal reaction in the real world. I have just become so accustomed to it, that it feels weird if he is home for a long period of time, like I am waiting for some thing big to happen. I guess it's more or less a constant feeling of being on edge, like at any moment my world could come crashing down on me. I don't think of it like that constantly, you can't, you would drive yourself crazy, it's just a reminder of how truly different my life is than that of the majority of my family and friends. It is by no means a bad life at all. I love my life. I love my family. I have expressed many times my fear of him getting out of the Army. I don't know how I would adjust to having a "normal" life again. I have become so used to the Army life, that I don't know if i remember how to be a civilian. Being at home with friends and family, is some times like a culture shock. I know I can adjust really easily to different places and different things, it's just that fear that I may have forgotten. The canons that go off at 5 pm every day , is normal. Every night at eleven Taps is played, and I know it's time for bed, it's almost a lullaby to me. It's comforting to hear night ranges and the popping of weapons in the distance, because I know some unit is perfecting their skills. Going to sleep to the sounds of the helicopters over head doing night flights, reminds me that DH is out there,some where,waiting to come home to us, and bravely putting his life on the line e very day for our country. One of these days, even though I fear it now, we will be civilians again. Until then I stand strong and proud, waiting,learning,loving,teaching. Trying to be the best that I can be, and stand amongst the silent ranks, happy to be an Army wife.