Shedding some light .....

I've decided I'm having a "day". Not a bad day, not a great day, just a deployment "day".Sometimes i feel that I am some sort of deranged, Army wife. Every day I have during my life is a good day, because it IS my life, and I have a lot I am thankful for every moment of it. Days like today though I feel that there must be something abhorrently wrong with me. One, because of the fact that I am an Army wife, I feel some what guilty. I should be bleeding patriotism, and for the most part, I honestly due. I feel a bit disconnected though from many others around me.Let me explain. I for one am not a Republican. I swear that 90% of the military community are right winged conservatives, and here I am slinging slightly over to the left. Almost feeling wrong, that I am what my mother likes to call a "hippie". I believe in love and freedom and equal rights. Everything my husband stands for, everything my husband so desperately fights for, and yet even though he fights and we wait, in a country that is a democracy, the Army itself is NOT a democracy. I do not support the war. There I said it. Not because of the fact that my husband is deployed and that I have any reason to not support the war because that means he would not be gone, that is not why even in the slightest. I have been opposed to the war since before it began, and that was without a doubt BEFORE DH enlisted, and BEFORE DH deployed prior. It's a hard notion to understand that I actually feel guilty about that, but when you live in a community, that for the most part, completely despises your point of view, I have learned to just keep my mouth shut whenever politics are brought up. I am always met with disdain. Even if I am just stating facts, which I do, because I always do my homework before speaking about something, I am almost always countered with something like "Well, I support the troops!" ,"How can you NOT support something your husband fights for, I know I do!" Let me put it this way, for ONE my DH does NOT fight "for" the War on Terror. He fights for the people. For equality, liberty,union,love,and peace, because he is a soldier. The mission comes first, and as a military man, his Commander and Chief makes the decisions and he is not allowed an opinion, nor will an opinion get him anywhere any way.As a military wife, I also follow whichever president we have at the time.What the Commander in Chief commands, we abide by, because he is our leader, and we trust his judgement, as obviously many other Americans do, otherwise he wouldn't BE Commander in Chief to start with. For TWO my biggest one that I hear so often is that if you can't support the war, then you don't support the troops, and therefore you don't support your husband. That statement makes me a very angry Army wife. Close-minded people just annoy me. I damn sure DO support my DH, and I damn sure DO support my troops. EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE UNTIL I DIE I WILL DO WHAT I CAN TO SUPPORT THEM. I am an ARMY wife,through and through, and American blood runs in my veins. Where is it written law that, a military wife can't be opposed to a WAR? This is why I just keep my mouth shut around other MilSpouses. LOL. Some people, well, I should say, some civilian people, who don't support the war, also don't support the troops, and those people, well are quite frankly just idiots. Hello??? A soldier is not some sort of heartless, cave-man, going around strutting bravado, banging his chest, and going out to "kill" people, like some sort of talking,mindless, robot doll with no morals or ethics. Peel away the the desert combat uniform, and you're left with just a man. A man with feelings, a heart, a soul. You can't tell me ALL soldiers believe that this war was founded on and started with justifiable reasons. I guess all in all it really doesn't matter anymore. We have been in this thing for so long, that if the war ends, I don't think anyone but the military community or people directly there affected, will really notice very much anyway. The war is not even worthy of front page news anymore. CNN has a special section an iReport section on Iraq, because it has been pushed aimlessly to the wayside. Out of sight, out of mind. Seems to be a growing epidemic amongst the American people. Sorry for getting on my soap-box people. This is all stemming from a comment that was said to me, and just sat there and festered in my temporal lobe , steaming, waiting for the right time to release itself, weighing heavily on my mind, and my morale. I wish I could sleep. I am an avid insomniac, and things like this make it harder to sleep anyway. It's difficult enough to be plagued by an emotional deployment roller coaster. In my brief moments that my optimism fades (usually I've noticed when DH isn't able to call or write), I veer between feeling bored,restive,sad, and obviously supremely annoyed. I have conditioned myself to push my emotions on the back burner. It's the only way I can get through a deployment and still keep some of my sanity.I struggle to articulate my emotions with accuracy and tact.It hard to explain the dimensional warp of deployment to someone who has never experienced it.My emotions during deployment have always been divided into two persona's. On the outside I am always calm and collective. I've been told I am seemingly made of steel. Sorry to burst any bubbles, LOL, but I am just good at acting. On the inside I at any point in time am either lonely,achy,weepy...or as the yang to my yin, brittle, aggressive, and some what testy. It's like having PMS all the time, but at an epic level of sorts.I am always roaming the hallways of my brain with worry. An avid worrier.Constantly on edge, just waiting for something to tip the balance from worry into reality. It's a great performance really, and thoroughly convincing to others, but I am constantly aware of my other "self". The me on the inside, the little girl, genuinely plagued with fear.I can't help it. That is who I am, and I make no excuses for it. I am a strong, and extremely proud Army wife, and I don't mind identifying myself as one. It doesn't make up everything I am, but it plays a large part in who I have become. So, as I have always done in the past, and will always do in the future, I stand ready to take on any of the challenges I may face ,with open arms. Roger that sergeant, I will always,without fail, put the pieces back together, and Suck it up and Drive on.