I've got your six

On a treadmill.... Life makes sense. OK, that really doesn't make much sense at all, but to me it does. It is a testament to everything I have accomplished, when for awhile, I had my moments of doubt that i would ever be able to accomplish anything like that again. In November, I had a major medical issue that tore my world apart. I have for the longest time been a rather healthy person. I try to eat right, I was exercising, and I was adjusting to life after D-Day. I had just celebrated Thanksgiving with a good amount of close friends, and I was doing pretty good. Then one day... POOF.... All of that came crashing down on me. I don't even really remember much of it at all. All I know is that it left me completely lost. I went through my human emotions, of fear, vulnerability, physical and mental agony. My entire left side was left only partially functional for quite some time, and as I referenced in an earlier blog post, my speech, well, I had a stutter, that only the people close enough to me could even understand what I was saying. DH was gone, and there was nothing he could do to help me. I know there were times that he has to have felt useless, and scared, even though, we both know it wasn't his fault that he wasn't here when it happened. I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason, so obviously there was a reason it happened when it did. For the longest time though, for months, I feared I would never get better. Hearing me speak, for DH was heart breaking. Hearing myself speak, trying to function normally, and then realizing I couldn't do it, was at the very least the equivalent of having a giant blinking arrow like the ones you see in movies constantly flash above my head, just screaming "broken". I felt broken. Inside and out. Going through that, for me, was probably one of the hardest things of my life. I have always been self reliant, self determined, and independent 100% when DH was gone. I could take care of it. Whatever came up, I could fix it. There's a saying in the aviation world "I've got your six." It basically means , I have your back . DH has always known, that I've had his six.I felt like I had let him down. Even though I knew there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. It was like everything I had ever known was stripped away from me. There were times that I felt like giving up. I had to remind myself every day, of WHO I am.I am a wife of a man who loves me more than anything.I am a mother who would give her own lie for her child. I was a fighter. Always had been,my mother would attest to that, and I knew it was in me some where to "fix" myself. For years my mom and I had had some what of a strained relationship, because of the circumstances surrounding my childhood. As soon as I woke up in the hospital, who do you think was by my side. In that moment, I never needed my mom more, and there she was, taking care of me best she knew how, having to treat me like I was a newborn all over again, and never for a minute did she make me feel inadequate in any way. My mom is an amazing woman.I am thankful in every way for what she did for me, and the fact that she was there by my side. I am truly blessed to have her for a mom, and I love her for every sacrifice she has ever made for me. and I understand now, being a mother myself, why she made the choices she did when I was growing up.( I hope your reading this mom :P)I had wonderful friends who, dropped everything to come and help me, and for that I will be eternally grateful for.They were there for me, when I couldn't even be there for myself. I will never forget the one thing I held onto the most when I was going through all of the physical and emotional pain that came with all of this. It was something DH said to me, and to this day I will never forget it. It may not mean anything to anyone else, but what he said to me, just reiterated to me the fact that no matter what life throws our way, we will always conquer it together, and that he will always have MY six. One night on the phone, when I was having a really rough time digesting all of the things that were happening, and I was scared, and feeling guilty that there was a possibility that I could be like that forever, and that DH and DD were going to have to live with this for their entire lives as well, DH had said something about how I needed to get better. Not for him, not for anyone else, but for me. The words that I responded with through tears, was that i couldn't stand for him to have to live with a broken wife for the rest of his life. What he said to me after that, will forever be the words that have never made me feel more loved in my life. He told me, that he loved me more than anything, and that I wasn't broken. I was just dented, and together dents were always fixable. I know it may not sound like much to anyone else, but to me, it meant everything. I don't think he will ever know just how much those words meant to me. Through deployments,through heartaches,through bumps along our road in life, through nights of fear and loneliness while he is away at war, those words will forever echo in my ears, and in my heart. I knew then, that I had to get better, and that I could, and would fight tooth and nail, in order to do so. DH is more than just my husband and the father of our child, he is my lover, and what's even more, he is my best friend. I love him more than words could ever express.So baby, through it all, remember, that no matter what we may go through in our life together, I will always have your six, god sure knows, you have always had mine.

This is just a dream, it's just a dream, it's just a dream......

I have nightmares. So, obviously I don't sleep well. The only time I sleep ok, is when DH is home. For the first six months of the deployment, I had such a hard time sleeping that, I slept on the couch. After DH came home for R and R, I promised him for his peace of mind that I would sleep in our bed again. Which, I have been doing. Except the last three nights. Two nights in a row I couldn't fall asleep. I was up until 3-4 AM for absolutely no reason. I go to the gym to try and help tire myself out in the afternoon, and I took my sleeping pills, which all they do is relax me, but don't put me to sleep. I think I need something stronger than OTC melatonin. Last night I was exhausted by 9 pm, due to the horrible sleep I had gotten the other nights, amongst the fact that I still haven't talked to DH. Not getting to talk to him, eats at me. The last deployment, we went weeks without speaking, only maybe a small email if he got a chance to write me. Then this time around, because of internet in their rooms and SKYPE, we have been able to talk everyday, or atleast every other day if he has been busy. Today makes day three of not hearing from him. There's a possability that I will get to talk to him this afternoon, I hope so. The nightmares are back due to some things that will be coming up soon. I wake up in tears and nearly hyperventilating........ the possibility is so real, that it carries on from my dream and affects me physically. When I wake up I'm in an immediate panic. Looking around, making sure everything is OK. I look out the window and look for random cars making sure there aren't any around. My heart races for a few minutes, just at the possibility that the Army is looking for me to tell me something horrible happened. I remind myself that it's just a dream. Nothing is wrong. Everything is OK. Everything will be OK.Right now I am even more worried about the possibility, but I try to shove it deep down, and push it to the back of my mind. Just waiting for him to call, hearing his voice quells those fears. In a few months, I'll be able to sleep again. Until then, I seriously think I need to get a better sleep medication. Not sleeping is not a possibility when you have a four year old. Everyone has their ways of coping. Who knows maybe subconsciously I think if I am awake, then no one can wake me up to hand me a flag in the middle of the night.I hope he gets a chance to call. If he doesn't ,well, at least I know how to suck it up, just wish I could sleep while doing it!

Ah,Bliss....well...Almost

Today was pretty much a great day. I spent some quality time with some great friends. We went to KoOlina and spent the day swimming and talking, DD had a blast at the lagoons. Short of the stack of MORE medical bills I got in the mail today, it was almost a perfect day. Almost, because there is still an essential key to my happiness missing, but such is the life of an Army wife. Moments and days like this make me miss him even more. I think of all the things that he would have loved about today. The sun, the waves, the laughter. I can't help myself but to talk about DH, he comes up in almost every conversation. How great it will be when he gets to come home again. Our friends, one of which is stationed with DH over in Iraq and is home on R and R right now, always know how to make me laugh, even if I am having a crummy day. DH is marking the days down on the calender, and I am marking the days til he gets home on Face book. I've decided I have become some what of a Face book whore. LOL..... I feel the need to check it everyday. It's the only way I feel like I can connect to my outside world, and my family that I am so far away from. It really is a different life. Things that seem so normal to me are completely absurd to "civilians." I recently realized that it's actually me and my life that is "abnormal", not theirs. I feel this disconnection to a lot of them, because no matter how hard they may try to understand my life, they won't ever be able to unless they live it. Sometimes i almost feel jealous that all they worry about on a day to day basis are trivial things to me. It's really just more or less a kick in the pants to realize that I am a minority in more ways than one. it's a normal fear for people to be afraid to lose their spouse, but it is never a forefront on their mind on a daily basis like it is mine. I am slightly jealous of that. It's normal for me to be away from DH for a few weeks at a time, where that would be a major thing for some of the "civilian" women I know. Not saying it is a bad thing at all that they feel that way,it's a completely normal reaction in the real world. I have just become so accustomed to it, that it feels weird if he is home for a long period of time, like I am waiting for some thing big to happen. I guess it's more or less a constant feeling of being on edge, like at any moment my world could come crashing down on me. I don't think of it like that constantly, you can't, you would drive yourself crazy, it's just a reminder of how truly different my life is than that of the majority of my family and friends. It is by no means a bad life at all. I love my life. I love my family. I have expressed many times my fear of him getting out of the Army. I don't know how I would adjust to having a "normal" life again. I have become so used to the Army life, that I don't know if i remember how to be a civilian. Being at home with friends and family, is some times like a culture shock. I know I can adjust really easily to different places and different things, it's just that fear that I may have forgotten. The canons that go off at 5 pm every day , is normal. Every night at eleven Taps is played, and I know it's time for bed, it's almost a lullaby to me. It's comforting to hear night ranges and the popping of weapons in the distance, because I know some unit is perfecting their skills. Going to sleep to the sounds of the helicopters over head doing night flights, reminds me that DH is out there,some where,waiting to come home to us, and bravely putting his life on the line e very day for our country. One of these days, even though I fear it now, we will be civilians again. Until then I stand strong and proud, waiting,learning,loving,teaching. Trying to be the best that I can be, and stand amongst the silent ranks, happy to be an Army wife.