Shedding some light .....

I've decided I'm having a "day". Not a bad day, not a great day, just a deployment "day".Sometimes i feel that I am some sort of deranged, Army wife. Every day I have during my life is a good day, because it IS my life, and I have a lot I am thankful for every moment of it. Days like today though I feel that there must be something abhorrently wrong with me. One, because of the fact that I am an Army wife, I feel some what guilty. I should be bleeding patriotism, and for the most part, I honestly due. I feel a bit disconnected though from many others around me.Let me explain. I for one am not a Republican. I swear that 90% of the military community are right winged conservatives, and here I am slinging slightly over to the left. Almost feeling wrong, that I am what my mother likes to call a "hippie". I believe in love and freedom and equal rights. Everything my husband stands for, everything my husband so desperately fights for, and yet even though he fights and we wait, in a country that is a democracy, the Army itself is NOT a democracy. I do not support the war. There I said it. Not because of the fact that my husband is deployed and that I have any reason to not support the war because that means he would not be gone, that is not why even in the slightest. I have been opposed to the war since before it began, and that was without a doubt BEFORE DH enlisted, and BEFORE DH deployed prior. It's a hard notion to understand that I actually feel guilty about that, but when you live in a community, that for the most part, completely despises your point of view, I have learned to just keep my mouth shut whenever politics are brought up. I am always met with disdain. Even if I am just stating facts, which I do, because I always do my homework before speaking about something, I am almost always countered with something like "Well, I support the troops!" ,"How can you NOT support something your husband fights for, I know I do!" Let me put it this way, for ONE my DH does NOT fight "for" the War on Terror. He fights for the people. For equality, liberty,union,love,and peace, because he is a soldier. The mission comes first, and as a military man, his Commander and Chief makes the decisions and he is not allowed an opinion, nor will an opinion get him anywhere any way.As a military wife, I also follow whichever president we have at the time.What the Commander in Chief commands, we abide by, because he is our leader, and we trust his judgement, as obviously many other Americans do, otherwise he wouldn't BE Commander in Chief to start with. For TWO my biggest one that I hear so often is that if you can't support the war, then you don't support the troops, and therefore you don't support your husband. That statement makes me a very angry Army wife. Close-minded people just annoy me. I damn sure DO support my DH, and I damn sure DO support my troops. EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE UNTIL I DIE I WILL DO WHAT I CAN TO SUPPORT THEM. I am an ARMY wife,through and through, and American blood runs in my veins. Where is it written law that, a military wife can't be opposed to a WAR? This is why I just keep my mouth shut around other MilSpouses. LOL. Some people, well, I should say, some civilian people, who don't support the war, also don't support the troops, and those people, well are quite frankly just idiots. Hello??? A soldier is not some sort of heartless, cave-man, going around strutting bravado, banging his chest, and going out to "kill" people, like some sort of talking,mindless, robot doll with no morals or ethics. Peel away the the desert combat uniform, and you're left with just a man. A man with feelings, a heart, a soul. You can't tell me ALL soldiers believe that this war was founded on and started with justifiable reasons. I guess all in all it really doesn't matter anymore. We have been in this thing for so long, that if the war ends, I don't think anyone but the military community or people directly there affected, will really notice very much anyway. The war is not even worthy of front page news anymore. CNN has a special section an iReport section on Iraq, because it has been pushed aimlessly to the wayside. Out of sight, out of mind. Seems to be a growing epidemic amongst the American people. Sorry for getting on my soap-box people. This is all stemming from a comment that was said to me, and just sat there and festered in my temporal lobe , steaming, waiting for the right time to release itself, weighing heavily on my mind, and my morale. I wish I could sleep. I am an avid insomniac, and things like this make it harder to sleep anyway. It's difficult enough to be plagued by an emotional deployment roller coaster. In my brief moments that my optimism fades (usually I've noticed when DH isn't able to call or write), I veer between feeling bored,restive,sad, and obviously supremely annoyed. I have conditioned myself to push my emotions on the back burner. It's the only way I can get through a deployment and still keep some of my sanity.I struggle to articulate my emotions with accuracy and tact.It hard to explain the dimensional warp of deployment to someone who has never experienced it.My emotions during deployment have always been divided into two persona's. On the outside I am always calm and collective. I've been told I am seemingly made of steel. Sorry to burst any bubbles, LOL, but I am just good at acting. On the inside I at any point in time am either lonely,achy,weepy...or as the yang to my yin, brittle, aggressive, and some what testy. It's like having PMS all the time, but at an epic level of sorts.I am always roaming the hallways of my brain with worry. An avid worrier.Constantly on edge, just waiting for something to tip the balance from worry into reality. It's a great performance really, and thoroughly convincing to others, but I am constantly aware of my other "self". The me on the inside, the little girl, genuinely plagued with fear.I can't help it. That is who I am, and I make no excuses for it. I am a strong, and extremely proud Army wife, and I don't mind identifying myself as one. It doesn't make up everything I am, but it plays a large part in who I have become. So, as I have always done in the past, and will always do in the future, I stand ready to take on any of the challenges I may face ,with open arms. Roger that sergeant, I will always,without fail, put the pieces back together, and Suck it up and Drive on.

A foundation of love

Today dd wrote DH a letter. It was quite a moving little letter if I do say so myself. Although there are definitely a few parts that make me giggle, all in all it was very heart felt. I can't believe how bid DD is getting. Sometimes she seems like such a smart little cookie, that I have to remind myself she is still little and still has feelings that a small child is suppose to have about the deployment. It's easy for me some days to forget that she doesn't actually fully understand.Other times I am reminding myself that she does understand a lot more than I give her credit for. I'm reminded that the last deployment in some ways seemed easier. I don't know if it is because dd was way too little to grasp the sense of time at all, and so it didn't effect her near as much on a day to day basis, or because with the opportunity to have communication with DH is MUCH MUCH easier this time around, and so hearing his voice on a day to day or every two day basis just keeps reminding me how very much I miss him. Even harder still when he all of a sudden has to go out somewhere to do his job, and we lose communication for a few weeks, after being used to talking to him on a daily basis. In those ways, I think this deployment has taken more adjustment. DD has nights where all she does is cry for him. She doesn't want me in the slightest, the only one that will do is him. It breaks my heart to hear her struggle like that, but I just hold her and remind her, that DH didn't want to leave, but he had to because that's part of his job, that's what makes him a super hero.I tell her we have to be strong for DH, and that we are an Army family, and that's what we do. We stick together, and we be strong as possible. It's OK to be sad and to cry because she misses him, but that we always have him in our hearts, even if he is far away. She understands that, so she usually comes down after our talks, which have been as frequent as weekly some months. R and R hit her hard, she keeps asking if she can have her birthday again tomorrow so DH can come home. LOL. Every day I wake up, I am reminded at how truly blessed I am to have my life. How much I love my family and even though there are sacrifices that we have had to make, we make them together. We stick together. I have an amazing family. DH is a mountain of a man, and we are so extremely proud of him for everything he has done for our family. Without him, I'd be lost. He is my rock, and the greatest man I have ever known. How truly lucky I am to be loved by such a man. What a great Army life I have been given, well, who wouldn't be happy with a God for a husband, and a Princess for a daughter? This without a doubt, is my fairytale.

This is just a dream, it's just a dream, it's just a dream......

I have nightmares. So, obviously I don't sleep well. The only time I sleep ok, is when DH is home. For the first six months of the deployment, I had such a hard time sleeping that, I slept on the couch. After DH came home for R and R, I promised him for his peace of mind that I would sleep in our bed again. Which, I have been doing. Except the last three nights. Two nights in a row I couldn't fall asleep. I was up until 3-4 AM for absolutely no reason. I go to the gym to try and help tire myself out in the afternoon, and I took my sleeping pills, which all they do is relax me, but don't put me to sleep. I think I need something stronger than OTC melatonin. Last night I was exhausted by 9 pm, due to the horrible sleep I had gotten the other nights, amongst the fact that I still haven't talked to DH. Not getting to talk to him, eats at me. The last deployment, we went weeks without speaking, only maybe a small email if he got a chance to write me. Then this time around, because of internet in their rooms and SKYPE, we have been able to talk everyday, or atleast every other day if he has been busy. Today makes day three of not hearing from him. There's a possability that I will get to talk to him this afternoon, I hope so. The nightmares are back due to some things that will be coming up soon. I wake up in tears and nearly hyperventilating........ the possibility is so real, that it carries on from my dream and affects me physically. When I wake up I'm in an immediate panic. Looking around, making sure everything is OK. I look out the window and look for random cars making sure there aren't any around. My heart races for a few minutes, just at the possibility that the Army is looking for me to tell me something horrible happened. I remind myself that it's just a dream. Nothing is wrong. Everything is OK. Everything will be OK.Right now I am even more worried about the possibility, but I try to shove it deep down, and push it to the back of my mind. Just waiting for him to call, hearing his voice quells those fears. In a few months, I'll be able to sleep again. Until then, I seriously think I need to get a better sleep medication. Not sleeping is not a possibility when you have a four year old. Everyone has their ways of coping. Who knows maybe subconsciously I think if I am awake, then no one can wake me up to hand me a flag in the middle of the night.I hope he gets a chance to call. If he doesn't ,well, at least I know how to suck it up, just wish I could sleep while doing it!

Traveling will be the death of me

I LOVE TO TRAVEL. I love everything about going somewhere new and exciting. I am part gypsy, so it does explain my adaptability to the Army life. The only thing I hate about traveling, is trying to figure out HOW to do it. HOW to get off of this stinkin rock and not sell a kidney in the process. Seeing as in the Army, you don't make a lot of money, prior to contrary beliefs of some people,and I not only have a DH to take care of, but a four year old, and I might as well have two extra children when it comes to my dogs, I have to coordinate everything precisely like I am planning an undercover sting operation. I have to not only try to plan my yearly trip back to the mainland with everyone Else's schedule in mind, but also in accordance with plane ticket prices, dog kennel availability, and of course juggle everything else in my life and make sure it is properly taken care of before leaving. I have contemplated Space-A travel, it just seems like a lot of work, with no guarantees. Not to mention, I want to try and see as much family as possible, which means trying to figure out how to jump around from place to place.It is definitely possible, I just wish I had my own personal assistant sometimes, to help remind me of everything I need to do in the day. "Miss, you need to call this number by ten AM, I have already fed the dogs, and pushed your appointments for this afternoon back, in order for you to have your lunch date. I called the exterminator, and left a message. So-and-So will be here by 2 pm in order to go through everything that needs to be done...here's your cup of coffee........." and so on and so forth.Ahhh to dream! ;P I am at least good at multi tasking myself. It's not impossible for me to do any of this, I've done it a thousand times before, I just dread the headache that I know is coming with it. The greatest feeling though will be when I get on that plane and everything falls into place, and I have accomplished my goal of having everything squared away. You know quite honestly my biggest fear in planning my trip is??? Is whether or not there is a 24-hour fitness in Emmett by my parents house,or if I will have to drive into Boise to go to the gym.Seriously, I am becoming a bit of a gym rat...LOL..I was sitting there working out today thinking to myself that they better have a gym close enough by if I do get a chance to go vacation for a bit, otherwise I might go crazy, not to mention my mom told me she was making pie today, which she offset the lard she used in it, by telling me she used half splenda and half sugar! LOL..Gotta love my mom!I haven't had a chance to tell DH about my plans to go back and visit our families yet. He has been busy and is getting ready to be even busier here soon, so hopefully he will get a chance to call before that happens. This has been a long year. A ton has happened, and I really could use the refresher before getting ready for DH to come home. Between DH deploying, and right after the ceiling in the kitchen caving in, being caught in the middle of a friends nasty divorce, helping plan my best friends wedding, being the maid of honor, and then right after the wedding having a major blood clot, that left me in the hospital, sick and unable to speak without a stutter for two months (which is almost gone now!YAY!)being diagnosed with factor V Leiden blood disorder, having DH home for R and R, and then dealing with him leaving all over again...on TOP of normal everyday life and raising a beautiful 4 year old, I think it would be good for a small break before preparing for redeployment. Wow! I just realized how much really HAS happened so far this year! We still have 5 more months to go! LOL Even with everything that has happened during this deployment so far, all I see is so many positive things!! My life is awesome! I have a wonderful husband a beautiful daughter, and great friends. I miss my husband with everything, but I couldn't imagine any other life,because this is the life I have made with him. This is our life, and except for a few snags here or there, I absolutely love it! What is life without a few snags though?? Gotta keep you on your toes somehow. I wake up every morning torn between a desire to improve the world, and a desire to enjoy the world.... it definitely makes it hard to plan my day! :P Man, do I have a great family or what?? Sorry, I must have woken up and drank a cup of optimism, and ate a rainbow for breakfast!! I can't help it though. My husband and daughter are my entire world, and as long as they are in it, well, I could not ask for more. I can't wait for DH to get home, the missing puzzle piece in my life right now will be back, and everything will be complete again. Counting down the days until I get to hold the love of my life in my arms again.YEEHAW MORE THAN HALF WAY DONE! :) Until then, Look out Boise and Phoenix, hopefully here I come!

News Flash

News Flash of the day: Deployments are hard... and not just for the wives. As a soldier you are taught to not have emotions. To hide everything, to suck it up, drive on. That goes against every aspect of human nature. We as humans are suppose to have emotions. We are emotionally driven in everything we do. I understand the Army's concept of pushing emotions to the back burner. They have to teach that. If they didn't... our soldiers would get so completely caught up in their current emotions that they could make costly and deadly mistakes... which starts a complete downward spiral of everything. When a soldier deploys, the family deploys as well, and it takes equal courage and an equal amount of sacrifice. Not everyone can do what a soldier does. Not everyone can do what a military wife does. It takes a lot to be a military family and to make it through multiple deployments. I'm reminded of a class I took that talked about unit cohesion. It doesn't just apply to the military units, but to the families as well. Some times it is easy to get caught up in your own emotions during a deployment, and because they are so far away, you don't realize that the soldier is going through the same thing as you. I am married to the strongest man I know. The most loving ,caring,hard-working man. I am so proud to call him my husband, my soldier. I realize that no matter what, he will never be able to get this time back with us. He has to miss out on everything that I get to be apart of with DD, and I have no idea what that feels like. I have no idea what it feels like to be the one who leaves. I've always been the one being left. I have no idea what it feels like to have to walk away from the most important things in your life. I don't think I would be able to do it. Which makes me have even more respect for my DH, and the fact that he does it, and somehow even though I know he is being ripped apart inside, he is still there, comforting me. Helping me be strong enough to carry on without him. There are days that I feel like breaking down and giving up, but because of him, because of all of this, because he tells me I have to be strong, because I know how much he loves us... I wipe it up, suck it up, and drive on. I know DH has to do the same. I want so badly to be able to take away any pain that DH and DD are being caused by the deployment, but I know that is an impossibility. Until he can come home, and we can all be complete again, I will just love my family unconditionally. Remind my DH how much we love him, how badly we miss him, how much he means to us, and our lives. How, because of him, and the amazing man he is, DD and I wouldn't be able to make it through all of this without him. How without doubt, without fail, he is and always will be, our hero.

It's like beating my head against a wall.......

I'm a bit upset. I've always throughout my life used writing as a release for me, hence part of the reason I started this blog. I'm not one to express my feelings verbally really. I listen to how other people are feeling, and try to help as much a possible, but when it comes to me, I tend to stay quiet. There is and always has been one exception to that rule, and obviously that would be DH. Today started out to be a pretty good day, but went a bit sour. DH called, and I was so excited to talk to him, especially with some of the things that will be coming up soon, that won't allow him to call. OPSEC in mind, that is about all I can elaborate on that at this time. Any who, DD has had a horrible time adjusting to DH being gone. He by all means is her hero, like every father should be. She loves him more than anything, and she is DH's princess.DD keeps us both going on a day to day basis, when everything around us just seems to suck. She is our baby. The hardest thing right now, is because of all of this and the deployment, recently DD has decided to go back in her ways of not talking to DH on the phone. This is something that is horribly hard for DH, and it effects me as well. How do you force a four year old to talk?? I can't. I talk to her, she tells me how she is feeling but sticks to her plan of not talking, and it's killing me. I want so badly to just give DH that peace of mind, that little extra thing to help keep him going,but I can't. This is not our first deployment, but it is the first one that DD can really remember. It's not like she doesn't love him or is shy around him at all. In fact when he was home for R and R, she was constantly his shadow, just like always. She loves him,and misses him, and is hurt because she feels that he abandoned her. Now, she knows he didn't,and i reiterate that all the time, but to a four year old??? How in her head does she know for sure he's coming back, when even I can't promise her that? I tell her he is and that he will be home soon,hoping it's not a lie, but she has no sense of time. Soon to her means tomorrow, not another 5 months from now. I know DH understands this as well, but I can't imagine the hurt it causes him that she won't talk to him, knowing he had no choice but to leave us. It's hard for all of us, especially for a child who doesn't even fully understand "why". She will write him an email, and I waiver back and forth as to whether or not I will send it to him, some of the the things she says when she talks about her feelings, make me want to cry, I can't imagine what it does to DH. I figure that it is better for him to know how she is feeling than to have nothing at all, so I send them. Hopefully soon she will talk to him again. I feel like banging my head against a wall, because there is nothing I can do to change any of it. I can't make either one of them feel better at this point. My family is hurting, and I can't fix it. Only time can. It makes me feel like some what of a failure, seeing as I am suppose to be the glue that holds this whole thing together. What happens when I start running out of glue??? Well, like the woman that I am, I guess it is time to try and pull out the duct tape. Duct tape fixes everything.... Right?

Ah,Bliss....well...Almost

Today was pretty much a great day. I spent some quality time with some great friends. We went to KoOlina and spent the day swimming and talking, DD had a blast at the lagoons. Short of the stack of MORE medical bills I got in the mail today, it was almost a perfect day. Almost, because there is still an essential key to my happiness missing, but such is the life of an Army wife. Moments and days like this make me miss him even more. I think of all the things that he would have loved about today. The sun, the waves, the laughter. I can't help myself but to talk about DH, he comes up in almost every conversation. How great it will be when he gets to come home again. Our friends, one of which is stationed with DH over in Iraq and is home on R and R right now, always know how to make me laugh, even if I am having a crummy day. DH is marking the days down on the calender, and I am marking the days til he gets home on Face book. I've decided I have become some what of a Face book whore. LOL..... I feel the need to check it everyday. It's the only way I feel like I can connect to my outside world, and my family that I am so far away from. It really is a different life. Things that seem so normal to me are completely absurd to "civilians." I recently realized that it's actually me and my life that is "abnormal", not theirs. I feel this disconnection to a lot of them, because no matter how hard they may try to understand my life, they won't ever be able to unless they live it. Sometimes i almost feel jealous that all they worry about on a day to day basis are trivial things to me. It's really just more or less a kick in the pants to realize that I am a minority in more ways than one. it's a normal fear for people to be afraid to lose their spouse, but it is never a forefront on their mind on a daily basis like it is mine. I am slightly jealous of that. It's normal for me to be away from DH for a few weeks at a time, where that would be a major thing for some of the "civilian" women I know. Not saying it is a bad thing at all that they feel that way,it's a completely normal reaction in the real world. I have just become so accustomed to it, that it feels weird if he is home for a long period of time, like I am waiting for some thing big to happen. I guess it's more or less a constant feeling of being on edge, like at any moment my world could come crashing down on me. I don't think of it like that constantly, you can't, you would drive yourself crazy, it's just a reminder of how truly different my life is than that of the majority of my family and friends. It is by no means a bad life at all. I love my life. I love my family. I have expressed many times my fear of him getting out of the Army. I don't know how I would adjust to having a "normal" life again. I have become so used to the Army life, that I don't know if i remember how to be a civilian. Being at home with friends and family, is some times like a culture shock. I know I can adjust really easily to different places and different things, it's just that fear that I may have forgotten. The canons that go off at 5 pm every day , is normal. Every night at eleven Taps is played, and I know it's time for bed, it's almost a lullaby to me. It's comforting to hear night ranges and the popping of weapons in the distance, because I know some unit is perfecting their skills. Going to sleep to the sounds of the helicopters over head doing night flights, reminds me that DH is out there,some where,waiting to come home to us, and bravely putting his life on the line e very day for our country. One of these days, even though I fear it now, we will be civilians again. Until then I stand strong and proud, waiting,learning,loving,teaching. Trying to be the best that I can be, and stand amongst the silent ranks, happy to be an Army wife.

Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock...YAAAWWNN

Today was one of those days. One of those rare occasion days, where I really had nothing pressing to do. Normally, I would take advantage of this, seize the day ..or something like that. I didn't do that though. In fact as bad as it sounds, I never left my pajamas today. A government official came by to interview me for one of my neighbors security clearances again. I invited her in, then to only realize that I was still in pajamas with disheveled hair, and my daughter wasn't wearing pants, because she didn't feel the need to put them back on after going to the bathroom.I didn't feel the need to make her, since I lacked any enthusiasm to even get myself dressed. Of course, I made her put her jeans back on before the woman saw just how lazy we were being today.Maybe it was the weather today, it has been pretty crummy the last two weeks.Who knows? All I know is I never made it to the gym, and refused to cook a homemade meal for dinner. This, in my house, is a rare occasion. Seeing as DH is deployed still, I think I am entitled to the rare "down" day. I know tomorrow brings a whole new set of things to do, places to be, and people to see.
I did however, get to talk to DH on the phone for an hour! I swear that is a record, and Skype is the best thing since sliced bread. We talked some about what we might do from here. From the deployment that is. Will we PCS like we are suppose to and try a new base on for size? Will we stay here in Hawaii for another couple of years(we have been here for 4 already!).... all of that no one is being privy to know about as of right now. We haven't really made a solid decision yet, but I'm not gonna be a spoiler, it will ruin all of my fun with keeping everyone in suspense. :) not to mention I hate making final decisions. i have no problem giving my input, it's just that I lack the ability to be decisive. Some days, I can't wait to get off of this rock and start a new adventure some where else, other days, I enjoy the consistency of being in a place I have grown some what accustomed to. Who knows what life will throw our way, all I know is that I'll be ready!
In a different light, unfortunately I do have to blog about something that just seems to be a nightmare to every milspouse I know. One of my friends informed me today that a few days ago, her husband, a Marine, was killed in action, leaving her and her baby alone in the world. At first I was in shock. This was his first deployment, they had only been married 2 years, their baby was still that...a baby. That pit in my stomach I try so hard to conceal and fill up on a daily basis, reared it's ugly head, and felt almost like I was going to vomit. I sat there just staring blankly for a minute, trying to grasp the concept. It's not the first time this has happened. We lost pilots at the beginning of our deployment, and yet earlier in a training accident right before the deployment. It hit everyone in our small troop pretty hard. My DH included. Not to mention the tragic events that happened 3 weeks before the SQDN was scheduled to return home the last deployment, that one in particular, I refuse to allow myself to relive. I guess it was just another reminder to me at how extremely fragile everything is over there still, and how no one seems to care anymore. I mean of course people with someone who is stationed over there cares, but the general public would rather figure out how Micheal Jackson died, or why Sandra Bullock moved out. In the scheme of things, that seems to trivial to me, yet, more of the general population is overwhelmed with that, almost as if Iraq and Afghanistan have become that weird uncle everyone avoids at the family reunion. If there is one thing I could give my friend right now, it would be peace of mind. Peace of mind to know her husband made a difference in peoples lives.that he was a brave and proud man,and that people care, not just people he knew or worked with, but that America still cares.... I'm just waiting for the day I can give that to her,a day which may never come.