Reality Check? NNNAAAHHH

I'm tired. Not sure exactly why, except of course for a very long plane ride and a dynamic change of routine and time zone. I am glad to be back temporarily in the land of gas in the $2 range again. Although as much as I was glad to see those mountains, and breathe the dry air again, I realized today when I went grocery shopping, how completely, totally, without a doubt, out of place I am. Walking into the WalMart I exclaimed to DD that she wasn't allowed to sit in the back of the cart, or the MP's(military police) might come arrest her... people around me were staring awkwardly my direction. It dawned on me then, that there wasn't a MP around for miles and miles and miles, nor did any of the people around me have any idea what I was talking about. How eagerly I strolled the aisles of the Super wally-world, commenting about prices, giddy with excitement over things I hadn't been able to eat in years, and while checking out, had to stop myself, when I reached back to my wallet to hand the bagger a tip. I don't think that is acceptable in normal society. I don't know any more if I am acceptable in normal society. Entering the airport terminal, carrying an ACU assault pack, full of snacks and toys, didn't seem that odd in a place where so many military members travel all the time.Landing was a different story. I bounced along toting my carry-on, not realizing for a few minutes that what the people were staring at around us...was, well....US. Me with DH's assault pack, DD wearing her dog tags and her MY Daddy MY Hero shirt she had to change in to on the plane, we looked like foreigners from a different land.... I was being stared at as if I was running naked through the airport exclaiming that my hair was on fire. We were the epitome of a slightly odd mixture of the classic US Army "Ready" Pin-up and a Norman Rockwell painting. I was the apple pie.
A military base is routinely called "the fish bowl." It has good meaning behind it. We live, work,play, laugh,and cry all in the same place. With all of the same people. We live so close together, I swear I can taste my neighbors cooking through the paper thin walls. There is some good in this. As odd as it seems to people on the outside of the fish bowl, there's comfort in common waters. Just like a school of fish, if a shark comes a knockin... well ,we band together and kick the shit out of it! It's just more evidence of the two completely different worlds.It can be tough at times to retain an individual identity, when everyone around you can seem so uniform (get it?uniform? LOL..I'm lame, I know) Especially when you are automatically judged as a military wife, for BEING a military wife. There are a number of pre-fabricated categories as a mil spouse that you are automatically chucked into within the first few months of arriving to a new duty station. Those are the categories other Army wives put you into. That doesn't even include the civilians.I'll talk about those categories again later on in a different blog. Let's just say, I have foiled a number of Army Wifey formalities in my term as a military spouse, ones that include almost getting into a fist fight with a drunk pilots wife, in front of the commander, who happened to be laughing, then winked at me and said "I think you could take her." I have had my blunders and faux paux's as a military wife, and I am sure they will continue as long as we are in.
Through all of this, even the fact that I feel like an alien from outer space , it's strangely calming to be here. Well, ok, inside the house at least. Outside of the house...well I am a bit lost. I keep looking for a twenty-four hour shopette.... they got those things here, but did you know they call them 7-11's???? I know! WIERD! That's what I said! Tomorrow I will awaken to a beautiful desert sunrise,wish for the Hawaiian sun,and dream about the snow on Mt.Rainer........ How very eclectic. Ah, well, until then, I will remain the odd ball out when I leave the house. Tomorrow I attempt to go to the gym...by myself. LOL..... I am a fish out of the fishbowl...lets see if I can stumble my way around land for a few days!

Byodo-In, Valley of the Temples

My apalogies!

I know I know. I am a slacker. No excuse for not writing in my blog for the last week or so. I will throw out a lame pity attempt by stating that my life for the last week or so has been a bit crazy. Between family members in the hospital, DH, DD,and just a lot of things going on, well I have to apologize for my lack of "conversation". I do realize that besides Facebook, my blog is the only way other people keep in touch with my family, seeing as Hawaii tends to be too far away to paddle-boat out to visit. Telephones are not my strong point either. Well, I should say returning calls are not a skill I have perfected yet. My cell phone is attached to me at all times, it's just that if the phone call is not from an overseas caller, well, you get the idea. I am getting antsy. It's getting closer to the "day" DH finally gets to come home again! I feel like I never slow down, which is a good thing, because time goes by faster, but at the same time I never feel like there are enough hours in the day to accomplish every thing I have to. I try not to put things off, but I do have to allow myself some "me" time. Even if that "me" time is spent freaking myself out by watching Criminal Minds late at night, and then being paranoid that some dude is going to some how make his way onto base, manage to get past my "guard" dogs, without the neighbors noticing, and that I will be forced to use my baseball bat and Turbo Kick box techniques on him. :P In my head, I actually think that plan will work, which is the sad part.LOL
My last few weekends have been jam packed, and am planning on jam packing the rest of my weekends before DH gets home as well. Not to mention, I seriously need to step up my game on Band Hero, other wise I am going to be embarrassed royally when the guys finally come home. I feel some what nervous about the re-deployment (that's green speak for "when they come home"). Not because of DH coming home at all, but because this deployment has been so different, that even the re-deployment process has changed dramatically. In my head I expected it to go one way, and it's not the way I expected it. Oh, I am more than THRILLED with the way all of it is going, just trying to re-focus and re-adjust to the changes. I should be well aware now, that nothing in the Army ever stays the same, except the notion of "hurry up and wait." I've also decided that in June I will be entering the 15K run/walk. That is 9.3 miles. Not too bad. I think I can handle it, or at least I am going to try to. Right now I do about 4.5-5.5 miles per day, so it is almost double what I normally do. I'm going to try and start slowly increasing my distance per day, push myself just a little bit harder, and hopefully by June I will have it down. I don't care if I even place at all. I just want to finish. I will post pictures, it will be an awesome experience, and I am very excited about it. OK, so normal people don't usually get excited about that kind of thing, but I am definitely NOT normal. Speaking of exercise, today I attempted to put on a pair of tight fitting capri jeans, which are now too big for me in the waist, but the oddest thing happened. I couldn't get them over my calves. I guess I have gained so much muscle since the last time I wore them (which was quite some time ago) that, when I attempted to sit down in them or even put my shoes on, I felt as though I was losing brain cells from lack of blood supply! I've gained 4 lbs since March, the last time I weighed myself. I can only hope it was all muscle and went straight to my calves! I have no idea where else it could have went!!! Still awaiting orders to know if we stay or if we go. I hate feeling like I am in limbo. It's hard for me to not want to start chucking things out of my house and touch up painting my walls, just so I am ahead of the game should we PCS. I just want every thing to be started by the time DH gets home if we do come down on orders to move. I promise my fans (all 2 of you,lol) that I will attempt to blog every day again or at least make it a 3 day max without writing. I will leave you with a picture though. This evening I walked through a great cultural area. It is at the Valley of the Temples, and this temple is the Byodo-In. It is a Buddhist temple, that has a ginormous Buddha that sits in the center. It is amazing. I highly recommend it if you enjoy different cultural things. I thought it was a great ending to the day. Hiking to the top of the temple grounds, surrounded by gravestones, and vaults full of deceased families, literally, was a very calming thought-provoking experience. I had fantastic company, and great conversation. Seeing things like that reminds me of how very special my life is. I love my life. I love my family. I could never ask for more. DH and DD truly are my everything.

An akward observation of sorts....

A little weepy and going down memory lane. Was reading a portion of an email DH sent me right before he deployed the first time. It's crazy to think of all that we have been through since this email made it's way to my computer. Not to mention everything we had gone through before he sent it. My DH is the greatest. He knows exactly what to do to bring tears to my eyes. Honestly, coming across this email did make little pools of sadness well up in the corners of my "stainless steel" level-headed outside persona. They ended up making their way down south in small streams that ended up pooling on a pillow. Well, enough of all that. :P On a happier note, I have decided I must be sending out some kind of vibe. Maybe it is a stay the hell away from me vibe, but none the less, I got mistaken for a soldier today. The guy said I "looked, and acted like one" I am not sure what the heck that is suppose to mean, but I think it has to do with my tom-boyish figure... lol.. within the first few moments of meeting me, I came waltzing in the door in my husbands cut off t-shirt, gym shorts, tennis shoes, a sports bra, and 2 hours of gym sweat still clinging to my clothing. I got introduced and a quick "wassup" exited my lips and a brisk hand shake before I was off to help my friends move their household goods that had just arrived.(AKA furniture,clothing,etc. it's what they call it when the Army ships your stuff) A bit after when everyone was relaxing and eating dinner, I got asked where I was stationed and what my MOS was. I thought he was talking about DH. He was talking about me. I was a bit taken back, and asked him if I looked military? He of course, said yes ,and that I acted like it as well. It was a very interesting encounter. Sitting on the back porch, it was pointed out to me that I sit like a guy too... I guess I really need to polish up on some of this womanly girlie crap before I have to go any where important. DH has never said anything to me really, I mean he has cracked a few jokes about how I don't wear shoes and made me promise to shave my legs at least once a week while he was deployed, LOL, but besides that, I think I have "girlied-up" quite a bit over the last few years. When DH met me, I was pretty rough and tumble, and wasn't afraid to do or try anything.I was in the high school ROTC program, sports,and anything else I could think of.I loved shooting in Pentathlon, and doing Color Guard. I didn't even own but one dress, and maybe one skirt. Come to think of it, that skirt is up in my closet still. Now, I own multiple dresses that I wear on a regular basis, and a few nice girlie outfits. I do prefer my jeans and t-shirt, but maybe a few times a month I like to play what I call "dress-up" since for me, it is dressing up to wear a sundress and do all of my make up. I do like looking "pretty" for DH though. I try, I really do to be girlie. It's just I fail miserably. I can't even walk in heels without rolling my ankle. I prefer my Harley Davidson boots, and maybe a long tie-dyed skirt and a form fitting baby T. I should have been born in a different era. I wonder if there are lessons on how to be girlie. I see a new Google search in the near future. I CAN dress up, it's just I can't break my mannerisms. I will wear a sundress and whip a chair backwards and sit on it. I look all petite in my little white sundress, and then will eat an entire steak dinner, when most woman I guess prefer the chicken? Or a salad? The waiters always stare at me. Oh well, I guess DH loves me just the way I am. Either that or he has just gotten used to it! LOL! Ever heard the term, you can dress her up but you can't take her out?? Whom ever coined that term must be a dude I went on a date with back in middle school. I prefer beer over any other type of alcoholic beverage, man-beer at that, not these foo-foo girlie drinks people pass off as beer. I rarely drink, but when I do, I prefer the taste of real-hops thank you.Poker, I LOVE beating the boys at some Hold'Em. Maybe I'm not so bad after-all.... at least DH will always have the joy of me sitting on the couch screaming at the TV , watching football and drinking a beer with him. I can't wait until he gets home and we can scream together. That's when you know your life is better than you could have ever imagined it being. When you scream "HOLDING" in unison, and you both jump up and down on the couch asking the ref if he is watching the same game you are.That's love. A union made in BBQ grillin,sports watchin,beer drinking heaven. I love my dysfunctional family.

Today at the gym, I had a semi emotional break down. It wasn't because of anything that happened, it was more along the lines of compassion. Compassion that I some times fear the world has forgotten about. A clear reminder that others believe the same thing as I do. I have a large tendency to see the good in people. I see the bad also, but in my mind, the good always triumphs in the world of bad. It's back to the fact that I am and always have been a glass half full kind of person, an optimist, a crazy, happy,almost- over -the -edge, optimist. A friend of mine just a few days ago, lost her brother in law in Iraq. Her family lives here, and I took care of her son when he was an infant. It really shook me to the core. It was so close to home. Well, I guess I have been having a lot of that "close-to-home" lately. As I wrote about previously , I am a constant avid worrier, and things like this have a tendency to heighten those senses. I feel an immense amount of grief for the family, seeing as I have *almost*(as in not a family member) been in their shoes. I have been thinking about this often lately. The possibility of death. It's one of those things that you like to push out of your mind, but as any seasoned military spouse knows, it is not entirely possible to do at any given moment. Even as optimistic as I am, it is still a fear that eats at me every day. Today at the gym, the news was telling a very short blurb of a story on a man named Michael Reagan. He left a lucrative career to start something that is called the Fallen Heroes Project. As I was watching this short story, I found my heart fill up with sadness, and gratitude. It is because of people like him, that I feel there is hope for this world. That genuine, good people, still exist.Michael draws wonderful, completely life-like free portraits of Fallen Soldiers from the wars(Iraq and Afghanistan is what the project is for, but also other wars). On his website it says some thing along the lines of "what if all you had left of a loved one were photos and memories?" That statement is one I don't often like to think about, much less talk about, but blogging isn't talking per say, so it is much easier for me to write my emotions down, as opposed to speaking them. As I was sweating my brains out feeling the blood pump through my veins, I thought about this. What if that was all I had?? I don't like to live my life surrounding "what ifs", but I was humoring myself for the moment. How would I handle life, knowing that the greatest thing that ever happened to me, had been reduced to memories and paper? I know it is a bit morbid to think about, but in all honesty things like that DO cross my mind. I know I am a self reliant, independent, strong woman, but how would I fair if my everything came crashing down and the love of my life, was taken from me? It's not a far reached outcome. It in all certainty is plausible that, it could happen. I know it's probably not healthy, and I know it's not even possible to analytically gauge my potential reaction to something like that, but in that moment,watching the families open that life-like portrait, seeing the reaction of the children that were left behind, was completely heart-breaking.You could see in their faces the gratitude they had for this man, who had given them this one last piece of their "world" back to them, and how much aching the entire families were going through seeing something that looked real enough to touch again, feel again, and they were desperately grabbing for that. There are times that I swear I can feel DH, and then I am reminded of the all too real reality, that it is not possible, not at this moment anyway. To go through life knowing that it will never be a possibility again, well I don't know how I would handle that.I like to think DH has taught me to be strong, for him, for our family, that I would be able to eventually put the pieces back together again.That because of what DH has always meant to me, that I would do it for him. I promised him that one time.I promised him I wouldn't completely fall apart.That I would try my best to be the woman he knows now. I like to think I would stay true to my promises. I hold hope every day, that he will come home to me. After all, this is OUR fairy tale, only together, whether physically, or in memory, can we make our story come true. www.fallenheroesproject.org

My dirty little secret....

I have an unholy attachment. It's a bit of an obsession I guess. I have an intimate relationship that currently requires a battery AND an electrical charger.... NO! Get your mind out of the gutter! It's not what your THINKING, jeesh people do you really think I would blog about THOSE casualties of war? :) I was talking about my cell phone and my laptop. They have become an extra appendage. It's almost like I believe that if I never let them leave my side, then no matter what happens, I will always have this off -the-wall connection with DH. Now, don't look at me like I am crazy, I know plenty of spouses with deployed husbands who have these relationships. Ever since DH deployed my phone and laptop have accompanied me to bed, my lap top left on, and logged into SKYPE with the sound loud enough to blow some ones ear drums, just waiting for that all too familiar "ding"...... As sad as this may sound, whenever I am at home and hear "ding" ,I jump, clearing furniture, knocking glasses over, skimming the head of my child, gracefully landing right next to the lap top with such skill an Olympic medalist would be jealous...OK, well maybe not THAT good, but you get the idea. I bring the phone in with me when I shower. When I go to another room. When I work out at the gym, it sits RIGHT there in plain sight on the front panel. If I can't find my phone, I almost have a panic attack, and swear that because of my luck if I don't find it right away DH WILL call. It is an understandable obsession. Maybe not the healthiest one, but I can think of MANY that are far worse than that! I have also contracted another addiction... the gym. I was called a gym whore, now what that is I am not exactly sure, but I think it has to do with the fact that the gym releases endorphins, and so does uuuuhhummm(insert derogatory expletive here) it's the only think I can think of... but I also know there are much worse ways to get my kicks(like drinking,drugs..etc..you get the idea), and besides I always feel GREAT after a romp with the elliptical...burns calories, and flushes you with endorphins, it's a win win situation... Although I do feel a little dirty paying for it, when I know I can get it for free on post!! :P On another note, we passed April 1st. That's a great thing! It just means a start of another month, and one closer to DH coming home. I can't wait for DH to come home. I am so ready to relax again, and have a normal life again. Well, as normal as you can get in the Army, come to think of it the deployments are normal... ??? Hmm, I'll have to ponder that one. Wishing that DH could see DD in person for Easter. It's never been a huge celebration at our house, but we do do the egg hunt, the basket, and usually the Easter dinner. Without DH here though, I don't think we are doing anything special or dinner. I'll probably just make chicken. Yes, I am boring, but only slightly. DD is excited for the Easter bunny, although since the only time I am not with her is when I am at the gym, and she has a very inquisitive mind (and knows Mr.Bunny is my friend) I had to come up with an elaborate story at how me and Mr. Bunny work out together at the gym, since I can talk to him there, and that he wears a bandanna is a bunny you don't want to mess with, and he rides a Harley. I'm gonna have to play along with that for the rest of my life. There's no way she is falling for any other story from now on.She told me her chocolate bunny she got from Pop Pop wasn't the real Easter bunny because he was fat and didn't have any muscles.Soon enough she will realize that the bunny is a red head with a big imagination and too much thinking time on her hands.This one will go down in the books, as the Mr.Bunny deployment disaster.I love my life :)

I've got your six

On a treadmill.... Life makes sense. OK, that really doesn't make much sense at all, but to me it does. It is a testament to everything I have accomplished, when for awhile, I had my moments of doubt that i would ever be able to accomplish anything like that again. In November, I had a major medical issue that tore my world apart. I have for the longest time been a rather healthy person. I try to eat right, I was exercising, and I was adjusting to life after D-Day. I had just celebrated Thanksgiving with a good amount of close friends, and I was doing pretty good. Then one day... POOF.... All of that came crashing down on me. I don't even really remember much of it at all. All I know is that it left me completely lost. I went through my human emotions, of fear, vulnerability, physical and mental agony. My entire left side was left only partially functional for quite some time, and as I referenced in an earlier blog post, my speech, well, I had a stutter, that only the people close enough to me could even understand what I was saying. DH was gone, and there was nothing he could do to help me. I know there were times that he has to have felt useless, and scared, even though, we both know it wasn't his fault that he wasn't here when it happened. I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason, so obviously there was a reason it happened when it did. For the longest time though, for months, I feared I would never get better. Hearing me speak, for DH was heart breaking. Hearing myself speak, trying to function normally, and then realizing I couldn't do it, was at the very least the equivalent of having a giant blinking arrow like the ones you see in movies constantly flash above my head, just screaming "broken". I felt broken. Inside and out. Going through that, for me, was probably one of the hardest things of my life. I have always been self reliant, self determined, and independent 100% when DH was gone. I could take care of it. Whatever came up, I could fix it. There's a saying in the aviation world "I've got your six." It basically means , I have your back . DH has always known, that I've had his six.I felt like I had let him down. Even though I knew there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. It was like everything I had ever known was stripped away from me. There were times that I felt like giving up. I had to remind myself every day, of WHO I am.I am a wife of a man who loves me more than anything.I am a mother who would give her own lie for her child. I was a fighter. Always had been,my mother would attest to that, and I knew it was in me some where to "fix" myself. For years my mom and I had had some what of a strained relationship, because of the circumstances surrounding my childhood. As soon as I woke up in the hospital, who do you think was by my side. In that moment, I never needed my mom more, and there she was, taking care of me best she knew how, having to treat me like I was a newborn all over again, and never for a minute did she make me feel inadequate in any way. My mom is an amazing woman.I am thankful in every way for what she did for me, and the fact that she was there by my side. I am truly blessed to have her for a mom, and I love her for every sacrifice she has ever made for me. and I understand now, being a mother myself, why she made the choices she did when I was growing up.( I hope your reading this mom :P)I had wonderful friends who, dropped everything to come and help me, and for that I will be eternally grateful for.They were there for me, when I couldn't even be there for myself. I will never forget the one thing I held onto the most when I was going through all of the physical and emotional pain that came with all of this. It was something DH said to me, and to this day I will never forget it. It may not mean anything to anyone else, but what he said to me, just reiterated to me the fact that no matter what life throws our way, we will always conquer it together, and that he will always have MY six. One night on the phone, when I was having a really rough time digesting all of the things that were happening, and I was scared, and feeling guilty that there was a possibility that I could be like that forever, and that DH and DD were going to have to live with this for their entire lives as well, DH had said something about how I needed to get better. Not for him, not for anyone else, but for me. The words that I responded with through tears, was that i couldn't stand for him to have to live with a broken wife for the rest of his life. What he said to me after that, will forever be the words that have never made me feel more loved in my life. He told me, that he loved me more than anything, and that I wasn't broken. I was just dented, and together dents were always fixable. I know it may not sound like much to anyone else, but to me, it meant everything. I don't think he will ever know just how much those words meant to me. Through deployments,through heartaches,through bumps along our road in life, through nights of fear and loneliness while he is away at war, those words will forever echo in my ears, and in my heart. I knew then, that I had to get better, and that I could, and would fight tooth and nail, in order to do so. DH is more than just my husband and the father of our child, he is my lover, and what's even more, he is my best friend. I love him more than words could ever express.So baby, through it all, remember, that no matter what we may go through in our life together, I will always have your six, god sure knows, you have always had mine.